The ME Adventure
by spookiekerri
Summary: Marcie, Colleen (the author), April, Jer, and I (Kerri) go to Middle Earth to stalk the Fellowship
1. The Adventure Begins

Editors note: we don't own anything that our hero Mr. Tolkien does. We just own us. Enjoy! And please r&r!  
  
Chapter 1: The Adventure Begins  
  
Kerri, Colleen, and Marcie all looked at each other and grinned. They were in Colleen's basement double and triple checking their supplies.  
  
"CD player complete with LotR soundtrack?" Marcie asked, reading off the checklist.  
  
"Check!" Colleen replied holding up the item and placing it in her pack.  
  
"The complete works of Tolkien including the Silmarillion and the Unfinished Tales?"  
  
"Check!"  
  
"Sleeping bags and foul weather gear?"  
  
"Check and check!"  
  
"I think that's it then." Marcie stated crossing off the last item on the list. "Can you guys think of anything else?" Colleen merely shrugged but suddenly Kerri's head shot up.  
  
"Rope! If we haven't got it we'll be needing it!"  
  
"Right!" Colleen exclaimed. "Good call Kerri! I think I've got some around here somewhere...." After a few minutes of rummaging around in boxes in her basement Colleen triumphantly held up several lengths of rope in a convenient coil. Kerri snatched it and slung it over her shoulder.  
  
"Shall we go then people?" The girls looked at one and other and grinned again. Wordlessly they all turned and advanced on the large, hulking machine that was filling Colleen's large basement. RFD2 was the interdimensional portal changer machine thingy that Colleen had built with secret gov't funding...SHH! It could take its passengers absolutely ANYWHERE in the realms of books, or movies, or fanfics...And now the trio was going to use it to take them to the most sacred place of all....Middle Earth!  
  
Marcie reached the machine first and enthusiastically slapped the large orange button. There was a hiss of metal on metal and then the door slid open...Smoke came pouring out creating an eerie effect.  
  
"I splurged on a fog machine!" Colleen explained  
  
"Ooooo"  
  
"Nice touch!" Without further words the girls all adjusted their packs and stepped into the gaping doorway. Once inside an elaborate control panel with many switches and dials could be seen. Colleen busily worked on the controls before announcing that they were ready. "Would you like to do the honors Marcie?"  
  
"Sure! Now, I push the GREEN button right?" she asked indicating the large green button marked "Slap me" in the center of the consol.  
  
"Yup!"  
  
"Just making sure...we all know what happened LAST time..." At that Colleen shuddered visibly. Without further adieu Marcie reached forward and slapped the green button with all her force. The world seemed to spin for a few moments and the girls experienced a dizzying, disorienting feeling. Then they were all knocked on their faces as the RFD2 landed with a large THUD!  
  
"You've GOT to work on that landing Colleen!" Marcie exclaimed.  
  
"I know, I know..."  
  
"Hey! Guess what?" Kerri shouted.  
  
"What?" Marcie questioned  
  
"We may very well be in Middle Earth at this very moment!"  
  
All three girls turned to each other with identical grins. After a few moments of tense excitement Colleen couldn't help but say, "Come on! There's only one way to find out! Marcie, would you do the honors?"  
  
"Ok!" Marcie reached over and enthusiastically smacked the "Door Open" button.  
  
"Is it just me or does she seem to really like smacking buttons?" Colleen murmured. But all contemplations of the matter were abruptly forgotten as the door began its agonizingly slow opening. But open it did, and the girls could see beyond into a large, vast expanse of forest. The girls gasped and were speechless for some time, until Kerri broke the silence.  
  
"Welcome to Middle-Earth everyone!"  
  
*-*-*  
  
They were silent for some time, absorbing their surroundings with awe. There were trees stretching to each horizon, taller than any the girls ever seen before. Their branches were long and slender and it seemed that full green leaves covered every inch of them. It was just morning and sunlight was streaming down through the few gaps in the intertwined branches. Perhaps the thing that the fan girls noticed most was how very alive the forest was. They were standing amid a plethora of undergrowth, vines and bushes, flowers and ferns. They stood on a thick carpet of fallen leaves and lush moss. This place teemed with life. There were insects everywhere and the birds seemed to have recovered from the fright of seeing the RFD2 land in their midst for they were singing sweet songs.  
  
For long moments no one dared speak, or even breathe, lest they disturb the beauteous forest. Finally Marcie breathed, "Wow"  
  
"Tell me about it!" Colleen remarked in a hushed whisper.  
  
"Luhtien vee`Sehanine" sighed Kerri. (As enchanting as Sehanine)  
  
Now, at this point it seemed as though the girls would stand around admiring the forest all day. Suddenly, however, they heard an audible SNAP! as though someone had stepped on a twig. Whirling around they automatically reached for weapons they had not yet strapped on. Soon though, they saw that it was only a rabbit that looked at them curiously before fleeing.  
  
"Whew. That was close!" Colleen exclaimed, having snapped out of her daze.  
  
"How so? It was just a rabbit." Marcie commented.  
  
"Yes but it could have been an angry elf ready to turn us into pin cushions."  
  
"An elf wouldn't have stepped on that twig. We'd have been dead before we had any idea they were around." Kerri stated matter-of-factly.  
  
"True." Colleen conceded "But we'd still better get going."  
  
"Right. The longer we stand around the more chance we have of being discovered." Marcie added. Without further conversation the three girls turned and made their way back inside RFD2. They'd changed into their "ME clothes" which consisted of leggings in elven fashion, longish shirt/tunics and close fitting leather vests (or jerkins as Colleen seemed to insist upon calling them), in Colleen's basement before they left. They were wearing sturdy boots and arm guards for archery. They had decided not to put on their weaponry before leaving in the event that the RFD2 would perform some unexpected maneuver. They didn't want to accidentally stab anyone in the eye.  
  
Now, they opened the special compartment in the portal machine and removed three swords in intricately detailed scabbards. Following this came three lovely bows and quivers and a large assortment of daggers of different size and shape. Standard equipment on this trip was one sword, one bow and full quiver, one long dagger to hang at the waste and three throwing daggers. Each girl adjusted her weapons; Marcie placed her daggers in sheaths in her right boot, left calf and in between her shoulder blades. Kerri also placed a dagger in her right boot and one on either wrist hidden by her long sleeves. Colleen too placed a dagger in her right boot (well, we're all right handed!), between her shoulder blades and on her right wrist. All three slung their quivers and bows across their shoulders and attached their swords and long daggers to their belts.  
  
The girls acquired the silly grin of those armed to the teeth. Kerri voiced the feelings of them all with, "I just dare someone to attack me!" They giggled and fingered their weaponry.  
  
"I'm just all giddy right now!"  
  
"Ack! I know! Don't you just wanna stab something!?!"  
  
"Oh yeah! Taking those weaponry classes was a GREAT idea Kerri!"  
  
"Thank you, thank you..." Kerri said patronizingly with a little bow, soliciting grins from her companions.  
  
"Who knew we'd be using all that stuff in MIDDLE EARTH though!?!!! Ack! So excited!"  
  
"Yes, but we wouldn't be here if not for your invention Colleen."  
  
"Ack! Not such a big deal! If you hadn't figured out how to get us out of 19th century FRANCE. And if Kerri hadn't sucked me into loving it the way she did...Ah well. Is everyone ready to go?!"  
  
"MmmHmm! We don't want to be late! That darned Council should be starting soon!" Marcie exclaimed checking her watch.  
  
"Right! Ok guys," Kerri said pulling out her wall hanging that the trio had decided to use as the standard map for this journey, "Ok, according to this here map, we're just east of Rivendell, right near the Loudwater. We'll have to cross it to get to Imladris..." here she trailed off.  
  
"THE Loudwater?"  
  
"Where GLORFINDEL saved Frodo?"  
  
"The very same." Kerri replied grinning from ear to ear.  
  
"Eek!" Marcie squeaked.  
  
"Ack!" Colleen exclaimed.  
  
"Shall we go then?" Vigorous nods met Kerri's suggestion. The girls grabbed their packs and sprinted out of RFD2.  
  
"Hang on!" Colleen said turning back towards the RFD2. She pulled out a small black device and pushed the button on it. BEEP! BEEP! The RFD2 suddenly disappeared. "What?" she asked responding to the blank looks on her friends faces. "We don't want some curious elves to stumble across it do we? Built in cloaking device! I added it after that fiasco with Erik on the roof of the Opera house."  
  
The girls set off through the woods without further incident. Kerri was in the lead with the map rolled up in her fist, followed by Marcie and finally Colleen, who began to hum. Kerri instantly took up the tune and Marcie (having the best singing voice) took up the words.  
  
Upon the hearth the fire is red,  
  
Beneath the roof there is a bed;  
  
But not yet weary are our feet,  
  
Still round the corner we may meet  
  
A sudden tree or standing stone  
  
That none have seen but we alone.  
  
Tree and flower and leaf and grass,  
  
Let them pass! Let them pass!  
  
Hill and water under sky,  
  
Pass them by! Pass them by! ...... 


	2. Of Mischief and Mayhem and

Author's Notes: Greetings my friends! It's been a long time in coming I know! I heartily apologize! Being busy +having writers block does not make for the quick writing of chapters! SORRY!!!!! But I digress. You can prolly expect the next chapter up on Wed. at the latest...  
  
And a great big hearty THANK YOU!!!!! To all our wonderful reviewers! I really appreciate them all.....not to mention they tempt me to skip homework and work on the nice story instead...*wink wink*  
  
Lynne: Our first reviewer...Yay! Thanks! You deserve a prize! I'd like to think that it's getting better as stuff actually starts to happen...what do you think?  
  
Burning Ice: You and your friends sound like my kind of people! Most of my friends (with the exception of the ones in the story of course ^_-) think LotR is stupid and/or not worth obsessing over...(Tsk tsk Tara!) Thanks so much for reviewing!  
  
Analiya: Thanks for reviewing! I'm terribly sorry,  but Kerri's rather attached to Lego...As you'll soon see! ^_^ I'd hate to be responsible if you should be injured in attempting to come between them... ;-P   
  
Valia: Yeah, I know the first chapters just kinda...there. But it is needed to explain what the hey is going on later! ^_^ I hope this chapter has enough "stuff" happening for you!  
  
Chapter 2: Of Mischief and Mayhem and "Loopiness"  
  
A few hours later the girls were beginning to realize that trampling through the wilderness was not as easy as the Fellowship made it look.  
  
"I'm beginning to think I know why Peter Jackson left the whole traveling part out of the movie..." Marcie muttered bitterly  
  
"Tell me about it..."  
  
"Ack."  
  
They had been walking for hours and had just reached the Loudwater. The trio was currently sitting on some rocks beside the rushing river trying to decide the best way to cross. The water only came up to mid-thigh or so, but the current was extremely strong.  
  
"I wish we had a horse..." Kerry mumbled  
  
"Yeah. Where's good 'ol Asfaloth when you need him anyway?"  
  
"Ack." Colleen muttered disgustedly "Arwen's probably off stealing him, and hitting poor Glorfindel over the head..."  
  
"That reminds me," Marcie said, "Are we in the book-verse or the movie- verse?"  
  
"A little of both." Colleen answered, "See, We're kinda in my version."  
  
"Oh dear." Kerry voiced "Why don't I like the sound of this..."  
  
"No! It's all good! It follows the book pretty closely with all the really cool stuff from the movie! There's just a few subtle differences"  
  
"Colleen, you wouldn't know subtle if it hit you over the head"  
  
"Um...you realize that's an oxymoron Marcie..." Kerri corrected.  
  
"Shut up! Whatever...So just what kind of "differences" are there anyway?"  
  
"Oh, nothing big...Aragorn's not devoted to Arwen, just a passing fancy that can be easily....eliminated. *slightly evil laughter*."  
  
"I like the sound of that" Marcie grinned  
  
"I rather thought you might! Also, Gandalf and Sauroman don't have such big noses...and of course Boromir and Faramir are considerably better looking." she finished in a rush.  
  
"Ah. I see...Boromir, huh Colleen?"  
  
"Well, you've got Lego, Marcie's got Aragorn...and I won't meet Faramir till the third book, and even then he'll be in a coma... so I need someone to look at while we're trudging around Moria and such!" Her staunch defense caused her friends to giggle, causing her to blush. "Ack! Well, in other news, anyone got any ideas how to get across this here river?"  
  
"Um...we could...um...Hey! We could use them there great big flat stones! You know, jump from one to the other all the way across..." Marcie suggested  
  
"Rather convenient, don't ya think? I'd suspect a little tweaking of the plot Colleen..."  
  
"Shush! I needed a way to get us across! Jer didn't have any ideas either..."  
  
"Whatever! Does it really matter?" Marcie interrupted, "We've got to get to Rivendell! Let's go already!"  
  
Heading their friends' advice Colleen and Kerry picked up their packs and made their way to the edge of the river. Tentatively they began to cross.  
  
*-*-*  
  
A half an hour and a few soaked girls later they were gasping on the eastern shore of the Loudwater. They had left the forest behind and now faced the beginnings of the fabled Misty Mountains. They were at that moment straining to see across the landscape to catch a glimpse of the fabled House of Elrond.  
  
"Ack! I don't see anything!!"  
  
"Does she say 'Ack' every time she speaks?" Kerry murmured softly to Marcie.  
  
"I guess she decided she needed a catch-phrase"  
  
Louder, Marcie asked "Why don't we just get going? We can see it when we get there."  
  
"Good point" Kerry responded "But remember guys, we'll have to be awfully careful, there's bound to be plenty of watchful elves about."  
  
"Not the way Colleen's writing this there won't be..." Marcie muttered softly to herself. "It's not like she'd kill us, and to heck with being realistic..."  
  
"Ack! I heard that Marcie! This is fan fiction! It's not supposed to be realistic! I mean, look around! I've practically turned us all into perfect little Mary-Sues! Bear with me here, I'm trying to do this well, I really am! I dunked us in the river didn't I? That's strife and realistic problems!...However, I think we're in luck! It seems to me that all the elves are probably too busy with the upcoming Council to notice us!"  
  
Marcie sighed but said nothing further. After all, it wasn't as if she minded an easy entrance!  
  
*-*-*  
  
But it was not to be an easy entrance after all. Perhaps Colleen was feeling guilty about the simplicity at which they had proceeded so far. Crossing the banks or the Loudwater proved only to be the first step in finding the fabled Imladris. They had somehow become lost in the endless stretch of land. There seemed to be no trees and no valleys and no hills to break the ground in front of them, only one bast slope going slowly up and up to meet the feet of the nearest mountain, a wide land the color of heather and crumbling rock, with patches and slashes of grass-green and moss-green showing where water might be. Indeed the land was treacherous, harboring steep ravines and loathsome bogs.  
  
"Ugh! I don't remember them mentioning any of this in LotR!" Marcie said with a shudder  
  
"That's cause they only describe the flight to the ford...Now where the hell is it?!?!"  
  
"Ack! Check the map Kerri!"  
  
"I am! We should be right on top of it by now!"  
  
"They don't call it the "hidden valley" for nothing..." Marcie growled.  
  
"Hee hee! You just made a salad dressing reference! Now, hold on guys, I'm gonna check 'The Hobbit' Bilbo and the dwarves went to Rivendell right?" With that Colleen bent down and opened her pack. Removing a large stack of pixie-sticks she rummaged for a few moments before extracting the book. Thumbing through the pages she could be heard to mutter "Rivendell...Rivendell...." before "Ah huh!" She handed the book to Kerri.  
  
"Blah blah blah..." Kerri read "Oh! Here we go...'The only path was marked with white stones, some of which were small, and others half covered with moss and heather.' Perfect!" With that the girls got on their hands and knees and began searching for white stones.  
  
"I've got one!" cried Marcie.  
  
"Me too!" exclaimed Kerri, who was about 10 yards behind Marcie. Colleen came over to inspect. Indeed, the two girls had both discovered smooth white stones about the size of a fist. In fact, Colleen could see that there was a trail leading from Kerri's stone to Marcie's.  
  
"This is it!" she announced.  
  
"Well then what are we waiting for?" Kerri asked in excitement.  
  
The three girls eagerly began to follow the track, and it was not to long before Kerri stopped suddenly. Marcie and Colleen, however, had unfortunately been following rather close behind and slammed into Kerri's' back. This, of course, sent the three of them tumbling end over end down the steep walls of the valley. It was indeed an amusing sight. The girls I'm sure did not think so.  
  
"Ouchies...."  
  
"Ohhh...Owwww..."  
  
"Ack! Pain! Oh the pain..."  
  
"It looks so much easier when the hobbits do it!" Kerri announced darkly.  
  
"Maybe that's cause they were only falling down a little ravine-thing! Look how far we fell!" All the girls looked up to find that they had indeed fallen far. In fact they were nearly to the valley floor.  
  
"So much for skulking..." Colleen muttered. "It's a good thing no ones around! So has anyone figured out exactly when in the story we are?"  
  
Marcie looked at her watch. "It is ten o' clock on the morning. It is the morning of October the twenty-fourth if you want to know."  
  
"Just when Frodo's waking up..." Colleen muttered in awe  
  
"But we've been traveling all day! How did we....10:30? In the morning? Never mind. I'm not even gonna ask." Kerri murmured. Colleen flashed her a grin.  
  
"Let's just get going! And can we sneak this time please?" Marcie questioned.  
  
"All right! Let's go!"  
  
They set off creeping through the numerous oaks and beeches, all the while in breathless wonder. They encountered no elves in their trek, whether it was because of their supreme skulking skills, the lack of diligence among the elves, or a plot device of the author...none can say. ^_-  
  
Emerging from the foliage the girls got their first good look at the House of Elrond. Gasps could be heard all around.  
  
"Seems like we've been gasping an awful lot today..." Colleen noted  
  
"Can you blame us?! This place is gorgeous! We're IN Middle Earth! We have a right to be amazed and astounded!" Kerri defended.  
  
"I can NOT believe we're really here! Its sooo amazing! It's just....just... unglaublich!" Marcie was saying.  
  
"Unbelievable." Colleen piped up in response to the blank look on Kerri's face. "We have a tendency to slip into German...Frau Chane has been drilling it into our heads this week."  
  
"Ah." Kerri responded "Stupid school...Hey! We don't have to deal with that anymore! Yes! No more stupid Latin prefixes for me! I always thought they should offer elvish instead..." she trailed off.  
  
"Yay! No more GYM!" Colleen exulted.  
  
"No, now we have to tramp through the wilderness for 10 hours a day." Marcie amended.  
  
"Yeah, but I don't have to run anymore!"  
  
"What about when we go to rescue Merry and Pippin?"  
  
"Well...No more fitness tests! Or Ms. Calahan! Or disturbing health classes where they tell you you'll prolly become a druggie or an alcoholic or get pregnant...or failing all that, you'll get schizophrenia."  
  
"True!"  
  
"Well, as much as I'm all for reveling in the fact that school is gone, why don't we go celebrate inside? I mean, they're going to be having a party at Elrond's in a couple hours..." Kerri suggested. She was rewarded by grins from her two friends.  
  
"I wonder what Elvish parties are like?" Marcie wondered  
  
"According to Tolkien it was fun but relatively tame...I mean, they sang and stuff but they were all proper and junk" Colleen answered.  
  
"Well then we'll just have to liven it up a bit won't we?" Mischievous grins spread all around. They were fairly squirming in anticipation. If one looked closely they could probably see the gears turning in their brains, coming up with all sorts of sneaky plots.  
  
"Let's go then!" They took off racing for the Last Homely House. The elves would have shuddered and locked the doors up tight if they had any inkling of what was to come. But luckily for the girls and not so luckily for the hapless elves they remained blissfully unaware until it was too late. The girls disappeared inside a window on the first floor and immediately began making trouble.  
  
*_*_*  
  
"So, I figure, we've got about 5 hours or so until they begin the feast." Kerri stated  
  
"Plenty of time to mess with people!" Colleen exclaimed.  
  
"Quite right. So where do we want to start?"  
  
"Let's start with Arwen!" Marcie suggested, a feral gleam in her eyes. Her friends thought it wise to cooperate.  
  
"Sounds good to me Marc. Any idea which way her room would be?"  
  
After much searching they managed to find what they believed to be Arwens' room. It just screamed "Unavailable, aloof elf princess. Going to the wardrobe they found a few of the dresses that they recognized from her part in the movie.  
  
"This has got to be it" Colleen said  
  
"Right....so now what do we do?" Kerri asked.  
  
"Hmm..." Marcie began "Why don't we...." she leaned over and whispered to her partners in crime, who acquired rather evil smiles on their faces. The girls wasted no time in setting to work.  
  
*_*_*  
  
"Alright, about three hours to go and we still haven't found the wine cellar." Kerri muttered  
  
"And we REALLY want to find the wine cellar!" Marcie added.  
  
"After all, " Colleen continued "Elven parties are simply too dull. That elven wine stuff is far too mellow!"  
  
A few moments later the girls came to a large oaken door with a padlock. They shot each other questioning glances. Could this be it? Eager to find out, Kerri extracted the blow torch and welders helmet from her pack. She merely shrugged in response to her friends raised eyebrows as if to say, "Well, it came in handy didn't it?"   
  
Colleen and Marcie took their place as look outs on either end of the hallway. They heard the torch ignite and a minute later Kerri's yell of triumph. They spun around and ran to join her. When they got there they saw Kerri lifting the broken padlock out of the way. She swung the doors open to reveal a large set of stars, descending into darkness. Colleen was already on her knees looking for the flashlights and Marcie was giving Kerri a high-five.  
  
Cautiously the girls began to descend the stairs trying not to make a sound. After many stairs and what seemed like hours they found themselves in a torch lit room with stacks and stacks of wine bottles.  
  
"Look!" Marcie yelled in a hushed whisper "They've got the ones for tonight's party all set aside and marked!"  
  
"They're making this too easy!" Kerri said with a mischievous grin.  
  
Meanwhile, Colleen had been prowling around the darker corners of the cellar. "Viola!" they heard her exclaim. Heading towards the noise they found her hefting a large earthen-ware bottle.  
  
"What's that?" Marcie questioned.  
  
"Hee hee.....Dwarven spirits! Only the most potent alcohol known to man!" The girls developed evil grins and glints in their eyes. They each grabbed as many bottles as possible, and lugged them back to the wine for the party. Working quickly they each uncorked, and poured out half of a bottle of wine. Then they refilled the half empty wine bottles with the spirits, re-corked them, and placed them back where they got them. Soon, they had done this to all the wine.  
  
"Just wait till the elves have a couple glasses of this!" Kerri exclaimed. "This is gonna be FUN!"  
  
"Hehehe....Now, last stop, Elrond's kitchen! Got that Cajon spice powder stuff Marcie?"  
  
"Right here!" she replied tapping her pocketsss.  
  
*_*_*  
  
It was a short time later, and the girls were heading to the feasting room in order to find good hiding spots. As they crept down the corridor, they heard raised voices speaking rapidly in Elvish. Ever curious, the crept toward the half-open door a few feet down the hall. By this time in their lives they had been obsessed for many years. They'd taken weapons classes, read every Tolkien novel, and grown nearly proficient in the use of the languages of Middle Earth, a fact that they were enormously proud of. Kerri had mastered Sindarin, and Marcie Quenya. Colleen knew a spattering of both along with a bit of Dwarvish, but she had focused on the languages of men; namely Rohirric and the old language of Gondor. The point, of course, is that between the three of them they could understand most anyone in Middle Earth may say. Arwen and Elrond, for that was indeed who was arguing, were speaking Sindarin so Kerri whispered translations as the three crouched outside the door eavesdropping.  
  
"Look at this father! Look at my dresses! There are HOLES in the back of all of them!"  
  
"I don't know what to tell you daughter. I certainly didn't do it! I think you need to calm down, Arwen."  
  
"Calm down!?!? Calm down?!?!? There are large holes in the butts of all my dresses!!!!!! ARRRRGGG!!! Whoever did this is going to pay! When I get my hands on them...What am I supposed to wear to the feast?!?!"  
  
"You could wear that old dress from a couple ages ago...it doesn't look to be vandalized..."  
  
"THAT!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!" (The dress in question was a relic from the most horrible period of elven fashion and was extremely hideous.) The eavesdroppers could here objects being thrown through the air, and a moment later Elrond came fleeing out the door, followed by a strange looking bottle. So great was his haste that he did not even notice the girls. Arwen slammed her door, just as Kerri leapt out of hiding, and caught the bottle. Hefting it in her hand she remarked, "Heavy," and placed it in her pack. It was probably just some kind of elven hair product, but who knew when it might come in handy?  
  
"Arwen is such a spaz!" Marcie exclaimed.  
  
"No kidding! Can you say psycho? But if we don't hurry we're gonna be late for the feast! Shall we go?" Colleen asked.  
  
"Lets" Kerri answered, and with that the girls began sneaking down the hallway.  
  
*_*_*  
  
It was later that evening, and the feast was just beginning. Our heroes were hiding on the support beams criss-crossing the ceiling. They had a bird's eye view of the entire room. They had already nearly choked when Arwen walked in wearing the one dress they didn't destroy. "She looks like a medieval clown whore!" Marcie had remarked. Currently,  Marcie and Kerri were busy drooling . (They were positioned just above Aragorn and Legolas respectively)  and Colleen was rubbing her hands together in anticipation of the amusement to come. All three collectively held their breath as the first dish was brought out. They saw the entire assembly, elves, men, dwarves and of course hobbits take the first bite almost simultaneously. And nearly collapsed in a fit of giggles as they saw the guests face begin to turn odd shades of red.  
  
"Oh my god!" Colleen gasped. "LOOK at Elrond's' face! And Gandalf! Oh dear lord, look at Gandalf!!!" she was turning blue and there were tears streaming from her eyes in an effort not to burst into gales of laughter.  
  
"LOOK! Look at Legolas! Oh gods! Oh gods!" Kerri was clenching her fists and biting her lip in order not to expose them with a fit of giggles.  
  
"Check out Aragorn! Oh gawd! This is hilarious don't cha know!" Marcie had reverted to a Minnesota accent in her effort to keep from succumbing to the laughter that shook her frame.  
  
In a moment the room burst into exclamations, curses and oaths. The girls began to laugh uncontrollably and could not be heard above the din. Only after long minutes did they finally get control of themselves. Which was lucky, as Elrond had just called the guests to order.  
  
"If this is what you call elven hospitality..."one man began before Elrond silenced him with a wave of the hand.  
  
"Who was that?" Kerri questioned as Elrond went on to apologize profusely.  
  
"That would be Boromir" Colleen answered looking (or rather staring) at the man.  
  
"But...but...he's hot!" Marcie announced.  
  
"I'm well aware!" Colleen replied with a mischievous grin, "I told  you guys he would be! I need someone to look before we get to Minas Tirith! And even then, poor Faramir's gonna be in a coma! *sigh*"  
  
"We didn't realize you were gonna make him that attractive!"  
  
"What's wrong with that?" Colleen asked, another silly grin playing on her lips.  
  
"Hey!" Kerri suddenly whispered fiercely, "What's that?" They all turned to where she was pointing. It seemed to them from this distance that there was a shadowy figure crouched under Frodo's chair.  
  
"Do you think it's a bad guy?" Colleen asked.  
  
"Maybe it's the shadow of the ring?" Marcie suggested.  
  
"Maybe...." Kerri mused. "But something tells me it's not normal...that it doesn't belong...." Both other girls said that they were getting similar vibes, but the trio put it out of their heads, as there was nothing they could do at the moment.  
  
By this time the feast was well under way. The girls observed for a while but soon became bored. Their doctored wine hadn't kicked in yet and everything was pretty dull. Until Elrond called them all to adjoin into the Hall of Fire. At a length, the whole of the guests had left, and no one was paying attention to the dining hall any longer. It was only thus that the girls dared descend from their lofty hiding place. Carefully they made their way to the floor and crouched there edging toward the doors which had been flung open. Darting inside they soon made there way to a corner where they would not be found.  
  
"Wow." Kerri said admiring her surroundings.  
  
"I know!" Colleen yelled in a hushed whisper, "Elrond has nice corners!"  
  
Towards this time the elven wine began taking hold. The elves were becoming noticeably loopy and the girls were becoming highly amused.  
  
Towards this time the elven wine began taking hold. The elves were becoming noticeably loopy and the girls were becoming highly amused. Just as it seemed that Haldir (who is visiting with a couple Lorien elves) and Glorfindel were about to get in a fist fight, a cold shudder went through the room. The heads of the girls snapped simultaneously towards Frodo, just in time to see him put away the ring. However, they were also in time to catch a glimpse of a shadowy figure retreating back into the gloom.  
  
"Hark! The dastardly shadowy figure hath struck again!" Colleen exclaimed.  
  
"In all seriousness, though guys I'm getting a little worried. Do you think we should go confront this thing?" Kerri questioned.  
  
"Well, it seems to be following Frodo…" Marcie stated. "But I don't think we ought to confront it just yet. I mean, it could be a servant of Sauron or something and it could get awfully messy. We'll look for it tomorrow when there's nobody around to see us. In the meantime it doesn't seem to be doing him any harm…."  
  
"True" Kerri replied "I almost thought it was going to try and make him put the ring away. Well, either that or it was going to try and steal it, but.…"  
  
"Well, we'll look for it after the Council tomorrow. But for now, I'm glad that's all settled!" Colleen grinned, "Cause now were can watch the elves make fools of themselves without worry! Speaking of which, check out Glorfindel and Haldir!" The two elves were no longer about to come to blows. Instead they were embracing each other like brothers and slapping each other on the back. Suddenly they leapt onto the table and began to dance and sing.  
  
"Oh Gil-Gilad was an elven king…"  
  
The crowd of "loopy" elves began cheering them on.  
  
"Those are NOT the words to that song!" Kerri exclaimed as the elves began singing a rather naughty verse.  
  
"Maybe they are and Tolkien just changed them to make the book kid- friendly" Marcie suggested. Kerry looked at her agape, refusing to believe any such thing.  
  
"They're profaning the song!" Her horror turned to astonishment however, when Haldir pulled Legolas atop the table. If she herself was not so surprised, Colleen would have laughed at he bugged out eyes and gaping mouth of her friend. It was clear that Kerri was riveted on the scene before her. It was also clear that Legolas was severely affected by the concoction that the girls had created. He was displaying many tell-tale signs of the "loopiness" that was beginning to show in the elves, nay, in all of the guests. He seemed to reel when he walked as thought his superb elven balance was failing him. He also appeared to be having difficulty speaking in coherent sentences. He was standing upon the table with a confused statement on his face, as if he didn't quite know what he was doing there. Suddenly a female voice rang out from the crowd, calling to him in Sindarin. Kerri gasped and looked as though she might faint.  
  
"Ker? Kerri!!! What's wrong?" Colleen asked frantically, worried at her friend's reaction to the words. "I managed to decipher something about clothes and it being hot in here, but...." She trailed off as she realized just what the voice had called for. "Oh dear..." It soon became clear to the rest of the party as the elf dazedly (is that a word?) began to remove his tunic. If not for the quick actions of Marcie and Colleen Kerri would have collapsed. Supporting her friend by the elbow, Marcie was beginning to become afraid that the obsessed girls' eyes would pop out of her head, or that she would drown in her own drool. It was then that she realized that Kerri had stopped breathing from sheer shock and delight.  
  
"Kerri!!!!" she cried, smacking her friend on the back, "Breath!" Kerri sucked in some air, but didn't take her eyes off the spectacle before her. Now, anyone familiar with Lord of the Rings knows that this was something that Legolas simply would not do. This speaks both for the potency of the girls "special elf juice" and Kerri's utter astonishment. It was just as the elf had finished removing his shirt and tunic that a commotion arose on the other side of the room. The half-nude elf was forgotten as everyone turned their attention to Aragorn and Arwen. It seemed as though they had gotten into a small lovers spat. Well, a full fledged feud may be a more apt description. The "loopy" elf looked confusedly (again, does this word exist?) in their direction before toppling from the table. Kerri immediately sprang from the corner to his side, not even bothering to see if anyone was watching. After a moment, Marcie and Colleen joined her. Ascertaining that he had merely passed out, they forcibly dragged Kerri away from his inert body to the other side of the Hall of Fire, to listen to the feud. No one noticed them, the guests were far too interested in this new entertainment.  
  
".......know you were the one who told poor Legolas to take off his clothes!" were the first words that met their ears.  
  
"So what if I did? At least Legolas bathes, Mister There-are-no-showers-in- the-wilderness!"  
  
"There ARE no showers in the wilderness! And at least I don't spend every waking minute before a mirror! Unlike some cold, aloof elven Princesses I know! And what on Middle Earth prompted you to wear that dress?"  
  
"Ahhhrrrggg!!!!!!" Arwen shrieked in rage. "What do I need you for?! You're just gonna up and die on me anyway! Glorfindel is twice the man you are! GLORFINDEL! Get your butt over here!" she roared. Glorfindel looked like he would have rather been facing a Balrog as she marched toward him.  
  
A momentary look of pain flashed across Aragorn's noble visage, but it was gone in an instant. Indeed, it may be that only the fan-girls noticed it. Gathering his pride, he strode out of the Hall of Fire dignifiedly. The trio quickly retreated to the corner and the safety of the shadows as the crowd began to break apart.  
  
"That bitch!" Marcie exclaimed. "Did you see the look on poor Aragorn's face?!?!"  
  
"Yeah," Kerri answered, "That remark about dying must have cut deep."  
  
"Poor guy..." Colleen murmured, "Well, don't worry Marc, I'm sure you'll come up with some way to get revenge." The light that grew in Marcie's' eyes made Colleen shudder and immediately regret her words.  
  
*_*_*  
  
It was some time much later and the party had finally broken up. Or passed out is more like it. A few of the inebriated guests had made it back to their rooms, but most were laying in heaps around the Hall of Fire snoring loudly. Kerri and Colleen were eagerly discussing what mischief they could get into with unconscious victims and Marcie was pacing broodingly. Suddenly an evil grin spread across her face.  
  
"I just had a brilliant idea!" she announced "I'm going to go pay a little visit to Arwen (who had made it back to her room with a terrified Glorfindels assistance) You guys have fun with your crazy plans..." With that she was gone before either Kerri or Colleen had a chance to stop her. They looked at each other and shrugged. After-all, Arwen did deserve it... Removing various items (some notables being: neon pink hair dye, scissors, duct tape, and make-up) from their packs they set about causing mischief on the poor defenseless party guests.  
  
*_*_*  
  
The shadowy figure was perched at Frodo's bedside. It mistrusted the House of Elrond. Something here was amiss it knew; elven wine was not so potent and it was unlike Elrond's cooks to so badly botch a meal. Not to mention that it thought it saw something perched on the rafters during the feast and then again in a shadowy corner in the Hall of Fire. 'No matter' It thought, as it watched Frodo's peaceful slumber. It had protected him all the way from the Shire, and It was not about to stop now.  
  
The shadowy figure froze, hearing footsteps, but it was only a few "loopy" elves trying to find their rooms. It had considered searching out whatever was lurking in The Last Homely House, but it had decided to wait until after the Council. Which would probably be taking place much later in the day due to the incredible hang-overs the elves were going to have.  
  
The shadowy figure sighed and renewed its vigil. Nothing was going to disturb Its beloved Frodo this night.  
  
*_*_*  
  
Jeremiah woke up with a sharp pain in his skull. Only to open his eyes and find himself in a tiny enclosed space.  
  
"Ahhhh!" he cried, thrashing about, and causing a door to open, releasing him from his prison. He tumbled out of the small space to find himself inside a large machine with dials and buttons and blinking lights all around.  
  
"Buttons..." he murmured reaching out to touch one before he regained his senses. Shaking his head he tried to figure out where he was. Suddenly it all rushed back to him. He had gone down to the basement in search of some rope, when he discovered RFD2. Intrigued he had slapped the only button on the exterior. (Yes, he too enjoys slapping buttons...especially bright shiny ones) To his surprise, a door had opened with a hiss. Cautiously making his way inside the metal bohemoth, he had looked around in amazement wondering what on earth it could be. It dawned on him when he saw a  copy of RotK that this must be Colleens...thing. He had been just about to push a shiny red button (NO Jer no!) when he heard voices on the stairwell. Instead he slapped a blue button that was nearer to him. A tiny door slid open at his feet. He got down on his knees and crawled in to hide. The door slid shut behind him. It was then that he realized he was trapped. He heard muffled voices inside and a large smacking sound and POOF! All of a sudden the world began to spin around. He knocked his head against the wall, and that was all he remembered.  
  
Reflecting on it now he was surprised he didn't suffocate. Looking around he tried to figure out how to get  out of the big metal thingy. He decided to slap a large urple (yes Urple) button. A drawer slid open from near his feet. In it was a sword, a couple of daggers and a bow and arrow. (He found our spare weapons drawer). With a muted cry of surprise he bent down to inspect them. He hefted the sword finding it overly heavy for him, but he swung it around experimentally. He had started out weapons classes with Colleen and her friends, but had dropped out in favor of horseback riding. He was reasonably proficient with the bow and knew the rudiments of sword and dagger work.  
  
But just then, he was wondering why on EARTH Colleen had a drawer full of pointy objects in her big metal thing. Or for that matter why Colleen had a big metal thingy. Or where the hey that big metal thingy was. Cause he judged by the bird songs that it wasn't in his basement anymore. Wait a minute! BIRD songs? It was December! There WERE no birds in Massachusetts. Frantically he slapped a large orange button. The wall he was leaning on suddenly disappeared from behind him and he fell flat on his back.  
  
Looking up at the trees he felt to see if there was a lump on his head. Wait a minute! Trees!?!?!? Looking around, and finding himself in the middle of a forest he groaned.  
  
"I'm in trouble much...."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.........    


	3. Morning After the Night PreviousAnd the ...

Authors note: btw- three days = three weeks. You'll be happy to know that all technology will be killed, so don't worry. That was the delay :D but its up now!!! And yes- we stole the color urple from the wonderful author Camilla sandman. Go read the official university of middle earth. Its great :D  
  
Burning Ice: Yay! Thanks for reveiewing! Yup, Kerri almost fainted when I wrote the whole Legolas w/out a shirt part… secret diaries are very cool. You're from Massachusetts too?!?!?! Have YOU taken the mcas too *pukes* we thought we were the only ones too….  
  
Bean: here- we have more!!! Thanks!!  
  
Steph: thank you!!! Flattery always pleases the author :p  
  
Tara:*starts to twitch* YES ITS GOOD FOR OBSESSING!!! YOU SUCK!!!! (just a daft jest from ker) :P but thanks for reviewing!!  
  
  
  
Chapter 3: The Morning After the Night Previous....And the boring old Council....  
  
It was a beautiful morning in Imladris. The sun was smiling benevolently on the Last Homely House. Light streamed into all corners of it, brightening the place. The birds sang their sweet songs and the smell of flowers was in the air. The Loudwater could be heard, traveling merrily along its course. It was the ideal morning.  
  
Elrond woke up. The first thing he noticed was neither the sun nor the birdsong. It was the splitting pain residing in his skull. He groaned wordlessly. It felt as though there were dwarves trying to smash his head open with their axes. His head felt clouded and he found that he couldn't remember anything that had occurred the previous night. He rubbed his hand across his face and concentrated….That was right, they had eaten dinner…there had been a problem with the spices…They had gone to the Hall of Fire….then…then... That was all he could really remember. The rest of the night was a confused jumble of images that he couldn't make heads or tails of. Groggily, he staggered to his feet. Or attempted to. Reeling he frantically reached out for anything to keep him steady and his hand landed on his night table. His night table? How had he gotten to his room last night? He was quite sure he'd been far too....ill to manage it.  
  
He tried to remember as he strove to keep the contents of his stomach just there; IN his stomach. Suddenly Elrond recalled two elves helping him to his rooms. Well, that was hardly a surprise, after all, he was Lord Elrond, and he'd always been rather popular with the ladies. They could just ask Celebrian...But he was getting off track. He seemed to remember them standing above him as he laid on his bed, strange, almost malicious grins on their faces. One of them had been holding some scissors.... His brow furrowed as he concentrated on their images. Yes that was right...they had been two females one with dark hair and the other with red. They'd been fair of skin and full of freckles. Well, the dark haired one had been full of freckles anyway. But that wasn't right; Elrond's wine-fogged mind was informing him. There were no elves with red hair and freckles. But there were also no human females staying under his roof. He shook his head and attributed them to hallucinations created by the amount of alcohol he'd consumed the night previous.  
  
Wearily he brought his hand up to wipe his face and smooth his hair. Or where his hair should have been. Reaching up frantically he found that all his hair had been cut off, except for a large strip down the middle of his head that was sticking straight up in the air (we would call this a mohawk). Panicked he stumbled over to a mirror. In horror and disbelief he gingerly felt his new do. Well, it did look rather interesting...Perhaps he'd create a new fashion statement. He'd always been a trend setter. After all, when he had started wearing his hair in little knots…well, let's just say it was now an extremely fashionable do. He wondered again just what he had done last night to end up in such a state. He didn't usually drink so much...Sighing he made his way to the bathroom. He had a council to prepare for after all.  
  
*-*-*  
  
Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood woke feeling no better than Lord Elrond. His head also ached and his stomach rebelled. His mouth was dry, his vision blurry. Quickly he squeezed his eyes shut against the intruding sunlight which seemed wont to fall just across his face. But perhaps worst of all his maladies, he had no recollection of the previous evening. He could remember nothing. Nothing at all. He recalled dressing for Lord Elrond's feast, remembered arriving. But that was absolutely all. He could not even recall what was eaten. Judging by his misery however, he assumed he must have consumed and extremely large quantity of alcohol.  
  
This of course, made no sense at all to the elf. He had been in a serious mood the night before; his mind dwelling on the escape of the creature Gollum and his duty to report the mishap to the council. Brooding on it, he felt the familiar feeling of mingled disgust and anger at himself and the rest of the guards. They all should have been more diligent...not underestimated the loathsome creature...not allowed it so many indulgences...tightened their watchfulness...With a grimace he forcibly snapped himself out of his reverie. His (and my ^_^) original point had been that though he may have been inclined to have a few extra glasses of wine, it was highly uncharacteristic of him to become so seriously incapacitated. Little did he know of course, that a few extra glasses of Marcie, Colleen, and Kerri's "special" wine was all it took to become incredibly...well, smashed. (Might as well be blunt)  
  
All this while he had been clenching his eyes shut against the glare of the sunlight cruelly streaming in the window. Now, he was feeling more awake and slightly less ill. (Elves could certainly drink with the rest of them, but they were quicker to recover from hangovers.) Legolas decided that he'd best get up and relieve his rather full bladder. It seemed to be telling him that he'd had a great deal to drink last night after all...  
  
He opened his eyes and slowly looked around. It was with a good deal of shock that he realized he was in his room. The prince had been under the impression that he had been far too inebriated to have made it all the way back to his room and gotten in bed. And removed his boots. And belt. And tunic. And shirt. Wait. Legolas always slept with his shirt on.  
  
Stumbling to his feet he nearly tripped over something at the foot of the bed. Glancing down he saw that it was his clothes in a neat pile. This too was strange...he usually put his clothes away or left them lying around. He'd never folded them before. Bending down he examined the pile. Yes, there were his boots, his belt and tunic and...no, his shirt wasn't there. He scanned both his room and the adjoining bathroom. His shirt was no where in sight. That was extremely odd. But the thought was soon driven out of his head by his insistent bladder. By the time he was finished getting ready for the council he had forgotten all about the missing article of clothing.  
  
*-*-*  
  
Arwen Undomiel whom some said was the likeness of Luthien awoke feeling somewhat groggy, but otherwise alright. (She had of course had some to drink the night previous, but she has a remarkably large tolerance for that sort of thing...if you catch my drift. ^_-) She stumbled from her bed and immediately sat down in front of her large vanity mirror to begin the hours long task of applying makeup and hair products in order to look presentable. Because of her grogginess and the fact that she was still somewhat asleep she didn't remove the shawl hanging on her mirror right away. Nor did she bother to wonder how it had gotten there. She merely assumed that she must have tossed it there the night before, perhaps in her fit of rage.  
  
No, Arwen did not immediately look in the mirror. Rather, she grabbed her bottle of daily moisturizer and liberally applied it to her entire body, focusing on her face and arms. Only when she was finished and ready to begin working on her hair did she remove the shawl and look in the mirror...  
  
She did not scream right away only do to pure shock. The reflection that stared back at her...Well, it could not be her! Gingerly, terrified and disbelieving she brought her hand up to her face. She started breathing very quickly when she realized that it was indeed, urple. Looking down she realized that she was completely, utterly urple. Stunned and still not breathing quite right, her eyes fell upon her lotion. She snatched the bottle and poured some of the contents onto her outstretched palm. Urple. Her lotion had somehow become urple. Now, of all the colors to be urple is certainly the worst. It is by far the most hideous color to man, and it hurts ones' eyes after mere seconds of gazing on it. And now Arwen Undomiel, the fairest in all the Homely House was completely utterly urple. And certainly no longer fairest.  
  
It was perhaps because of the utter shock of being urple. That she did not immediately notice her hair. But notice she did when her eyes regarded her urple form in the mirror once more. This was the last straw. Her beautiful long, thick hair was...was...By Varda! (They had no words for this hairstyle either. But I believe we call it a 'mullet') Glorfindel! She was sure it was the imbecile Glorfindel! She didn't know how or why...But he was doomed. She stood straight up ready to stalk from her room and rip out the eyes of the first person to get in her way. Unfortunately, she found that she seemed to be stuck to her vanity chair. No amount of tugging would remove it. (As anyone who sits at my lunch table knows, superglue is rather hard to remove things, especially nickels, from).  
  
Her scream was really more of a shriek of horror and rage. It echoed throughout the House of Elrond, and indeed, some say it could be heard as far away as Bree...  
  
*-*-*  
  
Gimli son of Gloin woke to the most ungodly sound he'd ever heard. "What banshee is this?" he questioned (in his very cool Scottish accent ^_^) He of course felt no aftereffects what-so-ever from the exertions of the previous night. He hadn't even touched Elrond's' "wimpy wine". He'd drunk full dwarf spirits until he collapsed...as he always did. He'd never gotten ill before and he certainly wasn't about to start now.  
  
Stroking his beard he resolved to see if these elves served proper breakfasts around here. He knew that they were highly untrustworthy and uncivilized of course, but he was sure he could find some sort of food...It was then that he noticed the mirror. He was certain that there hadn't been a mirror in his room before. He'd of course demanded a "proper" room, not those ridiculous fancy pansy places that the other guests had been housed in. And he was damned sure that there hadn't been a mirror in his room the night before. Curious he walked over to inspect this trickery.  
  
And caught sight of himself. His hair and beard were both neon orange. His hair stuck straight up in the air on all angles. He had the word "Troll Doll" stamped on his forehead. Letting out a string of curses he reached for his trusty axe. Only to find that it wasn't leaning beside his bed where he thought it was. Nor did it seam to be anywhere in the room. In a fit of rage he tore the room apart until a glint caught his eye. He looked up. There on the ceiling above his head was his axe. It was fixed to the roof by some metallic silver like substance that he had never laid eyes on before. Reaching he found that when he jumped it was just out of his reach. Damn elves! They would pay for making a fool of Gimli son of Gloin!!! He let out a battle cry and stormed from his room.  
  
*-*-*  
  
Colleen, Marcie, and Kerri were also awakened by the shrill cry of the elf princess.  
  
"Ye gods!" Kerri exclaimed, "What did you do to her Marcie?"  
  
"Nothing...." but Marcie's innocent reply was belayed by the evil glint in her eyes. Colleen merely groaned from her place on the floor between Marcie and Kerri. The girls had found an empty unused storage room in the basements. It looked as though it hadn't even been opened in years, so they thought that they were unlikely to be discovered.  
  
"Ack! Would you two shut up? I just got to sleep!"  
  
"Sorry," Kerri apologized. "But did you hear Arwen's shriek? What did you do to her Marcie?" she questioned again.  
  
"He he he." was the girl's only reply.  
  
Kerri ran her hands through her short red hair in exasperation. "Aren't you going to tell us?" But further conversation was interrupted by a dwarven battle cry.  
  
"What did you two do to Gimli?" Marcie countered. Colleen groaned again and muttered something in Rohirric.  
  
"What was that Cleena?"  
  
"Just muttering about the inconsiderateness of some people...keeping their poor innocent sleepy friends awake...Don't you people know I need my sleep?"  
  
"Geesh, you're grouchy..."Marcie observed.  
  
"Of course I'm grouchy! I've had all of two hours sleep! Unlike you, I was up all night being sneaky and mischievous! All you did was screw with Arwen! Me and Kerri tackled Elrond, Legolas, and Gimli! And let me tell you, those guys are heavy! You wouldn't believe what we went through to get them back to their rooms!"  
  
"Yeah, I thought we were nearly done for when Elrond woke up..." Kerri added.  
  
"Oh? Do tell."  
  
"Well," Kerri began, "Me and Cleena..."  
  
"Cleena and I," Colleen corrected absently. Kerri growled.  
  
"Anyways, Me and Cleena had just gotten Elrond back to his rooms. We were standing over him and Cleena was holding the scissors when all of a sudden his eyes flutter open and he gives us this confused look like 'Wah?' "  
  
"Luckily, Kerri grabbed a rolling pin and nailed him on the head, promptly knocking him out again."  
  
"A rolling pin?"  
  
"Don't ask."  
  
"Not asking... Hey is that a new shirt Ker?" Marcie asked admiring the light green silk with embroidered designs. Kerri grinned stupidly and Colleen scowled.  
  
"I told you not to steal that Kerri! He's gonna notice!"  
  
"Won't!"  
  
"Will!"  
  
"Won't!"  
  
"Will too!"  
  
"Will not! And besides, he'll just think he lost in a drunken stupor..."  
  
Marcie looked at the pair in complete confusion. "Well, we were bringing Legolas back to his rooms last night," Colleen started as Kerri got a dreamy look on her face.  
  
"And we had him all nice and tucked in, sound asleep..." Kerri continued.  
  
"You wouldn't believe what I had to do to keep her from climbing in bed with him!" Colleen interjected. Kerri smiled dreamily again. "I eventually had to promise to let her take his shirt even though, he's going to notice and wonder what happened!"  
  
"Will not!"  
  
"Will so!"  
  
Marcie looked from the tall red haired girl to the shorter, dark haired, freckled one and burst into laughter. "So what did you guys do to Gimli anyways? That was some yell..."  
  
"Oh that...That was Cleena's idea"  
  
"Well, you came up with the duct-tape axe thing..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Ok, me and Cleena," Kerri shot Colleen a look daring her to interrupt. Colleen raised her hands in defeat. "So, me and Cleena carried Gimli back to his room last night...boy that guys heavy! And we were trying to decide what to do to him when Cleena spotted the orange hair dye you brought.."  
  
"Oh dear...I think I see where this is going." Marcie grinned maliciously.  
  
"Yup! We turned Gimli into a troll!" Colleen chimed in.  
  
"By Varda..." The three girls broke into laughter at the image of Gimli as one of the troll dolls they had played with as kids.  
  
"I still wanna know what you did to Arwen!" Kerri demanded when the laughter had died off.  
  
Marcie acquired her now famous evil grin. "Well...It was actually something that Tara had said a long time ago that gave me the idea." she began. The other two girls nodded, recalling their squirrel-like friend's knack for saying...interesting...things. "Well, Tara once said how April's hair looked like a mullet...and then promptly forgot all about it and started talking about Arwen being at Helms' Deep" The other girls scowled menacingly "Right. So, we all know how Marcie's brain is a wee bit slower than everyone else, Kidding Kidding!" she interjected when she saw that Colleen and Kerri looked as though they were about to interrupt and yell at their friend for putting herself down. "Anywho... I just couldn't get the words Arwen and mullet out of my head."  
  
Being just a bit slow themselves Kerri and Colleen grinned maliciously as they realized just what it was their friend had done.  
  
"And that was enough to make her scream like that?" Kerri questioned.  
  
"Well, I suppose being uple and super glued to her chair may also have contributed..." The freckled girls looked at her questioningly and she launched into her tail of urple dye and superglue. They were all laughing uproariously by the end of the tale.  
  
Colleen raised her wrist and checked her watch.  
  
"Cleena!" Marcie exclaimed.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You're wearing a watch!" Kerri stated  
  
"I'm aware...and your point is?"  
  
"They don't have watches in Middle-Earth! What if someone sees it?" Marcie said exasperated.  
  
"No one's going to see me, so no one's going to see it!"  
  
"But they could" Kerri continued.  
  
"Well, then it's my new fashion statement...Besides, if I didn't have my watch, we'd never know that the Council was going to start in 10 minutes."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yup. Well, it'll prolly be a wee bit later than it was in the books cause of all the alcohol that everyone consumed the night previous, but we'd still better get down there if we want good hiding spots..."  
  
"True, true," Kerri conceded.  
  
"Let's go!" Marcie announced and the three girls headed towards the balcony where the council was to take place.  
  
*-*-*  
  
The shadowy figure had slid behind Frodo's chair just as the Council of Elrond was about to start. She had been spying on Frodo, Bilbo, and Gandalf when the warning bell had wrung and she'd had to take a far less direct route to avoid being seen. Gloin had just begun the tale of Balin and Moria when the shadowy figure suddenly heard three voices whisper loudly in astonishment, "April?!?!?!"  
  
Marcie, Kerri and Colleen had been zoning out while the Council droned on ("I'm seeing why Tolkien didn't say everything that happened in the book!" Marcie had stated.) When out of the corner of her eye Kerri had caught a glimpse of the shadowy figure. Silently she elbowed her friends and they had crept towards their nemesis, intent on discovering its identity. It was only a few feet before they realized that it was...  
  
April froze at hearing her name. What was going on? Who was talking to her? No one was supposed to know she was here...Turning slowly she came face to face with...  
  
Kerri, Colleen, and Marcie were utterly stunned. How on earth had she gotten there? Could it really be her? In astonishment they whispered...  
  
April stared. And blinked. And stared. And exclaimed, "Colleen?! Kerri?! Marcie?! What on earth? How..?"  
  
Marcie, Kerri and Colleen were thinking the same exact things. "April?" Marcie questioned "How did you? I mean, we used...but you?"  
  
"You guys found it?" April asked. "I should have figured you would have...I mean, you probly know every inch of that auditorium by now Marc..."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Kerri cut her off. Meanwhile, Elrond had begun his tale of the Last Alliance.  
  
"The portal in the back of the auditorium of course." April said matter-of- factly. "Isn't that how you got here? The portal in the back of the auditorium that leads to the Shire?"  
  
"A portal?" Colleen said incredulously. "In the back of our poor old auditorium. Like at our high school?"  
  
"Yes..." April faltered "The portal in the back of GHS auditorium. Isn't that how you guys got to Middle Earth?"  
  
"No, we used Colleen's inter-dimensional portal thingy....You mean there's a portal to the Shire in the back of my auditorium? I use that place like every day!"  
  
April shrugged. "Look, all I know is that a few months ago I was fooling around in the back of the auditorium looking for one of those old telephones...You know that we need for the next play? I am the prop goddess after all, it is my job to have all the props in place..." she trailed off. "Anyways, I was in the back of the auditorium when I noticed this weird swirly area. It was like, if I looked at the back wall from one angle it looked all swirly.. but from another angle it looked normal. So I went to investigate. Next thing I know...POOF! I land just outside Bag End! I was, of course, extremely confused...But I eventually figured it out and I followed Frodo all the way here!"  
  
The three girls were all silent, admiring how their friend had managed to get this far without hurting herself...or grabbing Frodo. April was just as obsessed with Frodo as Marcie was with Aragorn and Kerri was with Legolas...  
  
The girls chatted for the rest of the Council, swapping tales of adventures and mischief. They listened to each other with one ear and kept the other on the goings on in the Council. They half listened to Elrond's tale, and Boromir's (although Colleen's ears perked up when he mentioned his brother who had had dreams...) and Bilbo, Gandalf, and Legolas' stories...The day wore on. Until they heard the words they were waiting for, the words present in both the book and the movie.  
  
"I will take the Ring," he said, "though I do not know the way." The four friends whipped around where they sat to view the drama taking place in the Council before them. In true movie fashion, Aragorn stood and pledged his aid to Frodo.  
  
"You have my sword," he concluded and it seemed to all as though his voice were joined with a chorus of others. The same phenomenon occurred when Legolas and Gimli pledged their bow, and axe respectively. The fan girls of course were quoting lines softly, but the wind carried their voices creating an echo. All in all it was a nice effect. Elrond proclaimed them Nine Walkers to balance the Nine Riders and finished with the memorable line, "You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."  
  
Where-upon, April, Colleen, Kerri, and Marcie put their hands together and Marcie's voice whispered, "And we shall be..." The four girls all said together then, "The Fellowship of the Crazy, Psychotic, Completely Obsessed, Fan girls!" And they collapsed in silent giggles.  
  
*-*-*  
  
Jeremiah was awakened by the shrill scream of a female voice. "What the hey? Where am I?" It was then that he remembered waking up in his sister Colleen's big machine and seeing a real big forest just before he was knocked unconscious again. He seemed to be doing that a lot. Getting knocked unconscious that is. He was still staring at the forest canopy and slowly sat up. Only to discover that the big metal thing was gone! Along with his feet! Panicked he jumped up...only to realize that his feet were still there. Cautiously he stepped forward...until he collided with the air.  
  
It was true, there appeared to be just more trees around, but Jeremiah had hit a wall of some kind. He felt along the wall until his hand hit empty air. Stepping forward he found himself back inside the big metal thing. "Woah...Its invisdible!" But it was not the time to contemplate the invisibility of his sisters' weird toys. At the moment he had to figure out where in the hey he was. He strove to figure out what his crazy sister had been up to.  
  
Searching the big machine he came up with a set of medireview-ish clothes, the weapons he had found previously, and a battered copy of Return of the King. It was then that he noticed the fancy nameplate above the door that read, "RFD2".  
  
RFD2? He seemed to recall reading one of Colleen's crazy stories about something called RFD2. She and her friend Marcie had gone to France...to the realm of the Phantom of the Opera...He also remembered her insisting it had really happened. She had shown him one of the Phantoms' masks as proof, but he had just assumed it was another of her crazy fantasies...  
  
But if it wasn't? A tiny voice asked. What if your nutso sister really did create some sorta time machine thing? That would explain this, wouldn't it? He tried to tell the voice that it wouldn't explain this. That it wasn't possible and that there had to be a reasonable explanation. "Besides!" he said in desperation, "That doesn't tell me where I am right now! There are no forests in Paris!"  
  
I think you're holding the clue in your hand there pal-y boy! the voice said in an irritatingly smug tone. Jer looked and saw that he was holding the old copy of Return of the King in his hand. "No way...." But at that moment all contemplation of the matter was interrupted by the sounds of something VERY large trampling through the forest. Poking his head out, he realized that it was after dark. "Now you just wait a cotton-pickin minute! Wasn't it just morning?!" Shut up! the voice said. You don't question these things ok?! Its after dark if I say its after dark! Now get out there and see what's making all that noise! Oh...you might want to grab a sword...  
  
Jeremiah shrugged and decided to obey the voice. One generally does obey omnipotent voices that spoke to one in such commanding tones after all...He grabbed his sword and stepped out of RFD2. Only to find himself staring a big ugly troll in the face. "Stupid voice! Now I'm in trouble much....." 


	4. Of Boredom, Ducks, and Mmmmm…Pizza

Tara- our ever faithful reviewer, we decided to repay you by putting a mention of TJC in our story. Maybe now you'll stop bothering Cleena in math class ;)  
  
Janet- KERRI LIVES!!! Lol- i'm kerri btw. I am a real person! And legolas is hot. Or as my friend chaz likes to say- i want to touch his bow :p  
  
Lulu- we love making people laugh. Ty for reviewing!!  
  
Burning ice- we'll try to grab you a horse, but colleen might be too busy challenging Eowyn over Faramir!  
  
Shady figure- from the perspective of an older sister, i have no comment. But ty for reviewing!  
  
Sori- gimli as a troll- i just got the image in my brain and i couldn't get it out!!! And i most defiantly love Boromir!  
  
  
  
Chapter 4: Of Boredom, Ducks, and Mmmmm…Pizza  
  
It was dark that evening and the girls were having a party in honor of the forming of the Fellowship. They were residing in an out of the way, long unused room/closet off of Elrond's basement. It was a wee bit bigger than the one Kerri, Marcie, and Colleen had slept in the night previous. Already the girls had "borrowed" mattresses, sheets, quilts, and fluffy pillows preferring not to use their sleeping bags until they had no other options.  
  
"Hey Marc!" Kerri called over the noise of the LotR soundtrack playing on their handy dandy portable CD Player, "Pass the Diet Coke with Lemon!"  
  
In truth, the girls hadn't brought very much food from the real world; counting their ability to catch and steal food for survival. Indeed, most of the food at the party had been filched from the kitchens. But they had deemed it alright to indulge in honor of the forming of the Fellowship.  
  
"Are you sure you want caffeine?" April asked, "We'd probably better get some sleep you know…After all, we'll be leaving awfully early tomorrow."  
  
"Actually we won't" Colleen replied not looking up from her book (another item carefully "borrowed" from Elrond)  
  
Marcie looked slightly puzzled but Kerri merely asked, "Book-verse huh?"  
  
At April's vacant look Colleen sighed, tore her eyes from her book and embellished, "In the book Frodo and the gang hang out in Rivendell for about two months waiting for news and such like. Besides," she added, "When we do leave, it'll be at dusk. It's what they do in the book and there's absolutely no way I'm gonna wake up early if I don't have to! Not to mention," here she paused and lowered her voice conspiratorially, "I don't want to annoy the PPC."  
  
"The what, with the who now?" Marcie asked.  
  
"The Protectors of the Plot Continuum. They're dedicated to ridding Middle Earth of Mary Sues. Which means us." She shuddered, "They have rather unpleasant ways of disposing of them. And they're always annoyed when little Mary Sue's wake them up at dawn. Technically we're under humor, and I don't think that we'd really be a target but…I'm not about to take chances!"  
  
The girls all looked briefly uneasy of being hunted by deadly assassins, but after a moment they shrugged and promptly forgot all about it. Then another haunting thought wound its way into April's brain.  
  
"What are we supposed to do for 2 months?"  
  
Everyone turned expectantly towards Colleen. "Um…" she began; "We can um…eat pizza?" she finished weakly.  
  
*-*-*  
  
That same night Jeremiah stood face to face with a troll. He was trying very hard not to 'freak out'. He was failing miserably.  
  
"WTH?????!!! Oh. My. Dear. God!!! That is a troll! A freakin' troll! What is it doing here?!?! What am I doing here?! Oh my God!!! For the love of Bob!"  
  
The voice felt that it needed to "voice" its opinion, "What do you think it's doing here? This is the Trollshaws you know! Honestly, all you had to do was check the map!"  
  
Jeremiah stuttered, "Wha? Map? Trollshaws? Like as in the Hobbit? What do I do??" he asked frantically as the troll advanced menacingly.  
  
"Do? How should I know what you ought to do?"  
  
"But…but I thought you were omniscient!" said Jeremiah.  
  
"Ooooh! Big word!" said the Voice.  
  
"Grrrr!" said the troll.  
  
*-*-*  
  
A few days after the Council of Elrond our heroines were lounging about their room languidly. The room itself had quickly fallen into a state of extreme uncleanliness and disregard. Given that none of its occupants were exactly neat freaks, this was not in itself surprising. As Colleen was fond of saying, "The floor is the largest shelf in your room!"  
  
"I'm bored!" Marcie complained.  
  
"Me too!" Colleen whined plaintively.  
  
"Well, your twisted brain is the one that stuck us here in book- verse…" Kerri accused.  
  
"Oh come on" April said, "We all know the two of you share a brain!"  
  
"True…"conceded Colleen and Kerri in unison. They turned to each other and grinned, "Wavelength!"  
  
Marcie and April merely sighed, used to their friend's outbursts. While all four girls were indeed very like, Colleen and Kerri the same person, but yet somehow not. They are also psychic. They are wont to say the same things in unison, communicate in gestures, and finish each others sentences. As they are quite fond of saying they're on the same "wavelength." Marcie and April had long ago grown used to their friends uncanny-ness and decided that they must share a brain.  
  
Marcie turned away from the giggling girls and tried to think of something constructive to do. Images of Rivendell flitted through her brain mixing and mingling with her memories of home. One could not help but notice the incredible difference between the beautiful valley of the elves and the little fishing town. Inspiration struck like lightning.  
  
"Let's go fishing!" she exclaimed with fervor.  
  
"Fishing?" Kerri asked, startled.  
  
"Yeah!" Colleen yelled.  
  
"A little homesick guys?" April questioned.  
  
"I just happen to have some fishing rods in here, somewhere…" Colleen muttered, rummaging through her pack.  
  
"You packed fishing rods?" April asked.  
  
Yup!" Colleen answered brightly. At this point, Colleen started pulling out things that shouldn't have normally fit in a regular bag, including an assortment of random items from her bag. "No…… no……. where are they?" she muttered to herself pulling out a duck, frying pan, and an unsystematic mixture of Star Wars books out of a seemingly endless sack.  
  
"What's this, your Marry Poppins carpetbag?" Marcie queried. Colleen blushed pink and ignored her. "You've got to be kidding me! You packed everything but the kitchen sink Cleena!" Marcie continued.  
  
"Naw, that's prolly in here somewhere." Colleen said while at the same time Kerri said, "Naw, that's prolly in there somewhere." This brought another bought of giggles and an even louder "WAVELENGTH!!!"  
  
"You guys scare me sometimes…" Marcie said, eyeing her too crazy friends.  
  
"Ack! Now you sound like Aimee!"  
  
"Wait… we scare you only sometimes??" Kerri inquired.  
  
"You still never answered the question Cleena. How did you fit all that stuff in that bag?" April questioned never losing sight of the real intention of her friend.  
  
Colleen, attempting to look innocent and sweet- but failing at both- replied, "Um……. Exceptional packing skills?"  
  
"A duck?"  
  
"Fine, I borrowed it!" Colleen responded to a vehement April.  
  
"You mean you stole it."  
  
"I prefer the term appropriated. And besides, Tara wasn't using it at the time."  
  
"When praytell, did Tara have a bottomless bag?" Marcie asked confuzzledly.  
  
"Back when I did my stint as one of the alter herz in your story. Remember? You only wrote it… the Josh Chronicles?!"  
  
"Ah yes, TJC… rather proud of that one…" Marcie replied.  
  
"Well, I was busy looking for something in Tara's tree. And I found this bottomless bag of acorns. But when I tried dumping it out, they just kept coming!" Colleen grabbed a handful of acorns out of her bag as proof at this time, "They're still here! But anyway, I just borrowed it because it seemed like the kind of thing that I could find useful."  
  
Kerri shook her head after Cleena's little speech and said, "I knew it, whenever acorns, bottomless bags, and me and Colleen are involved, things get weird."  
  
*-*-*  
  
At a little waterfall near the Last Homely House, the girls were fishing a little while later. After a little while of fishing, Kerri, April and Marcie all had a couple of fish, but Colleen has none.  
  
"Stupid fish! They hate me! This is a government plot!" Colleen exclaimed.  
  
"Of course! What else would it be? Its always the government, against you, against the world, but somehow I'm always involved." Kerri said, looking more than a little paranoid and looking over her shoulder.  
  
"The United States gov't is plotting against you all the way from the real world?" April asked perplexed.  
  
"Of course!" Colleen replied. "Ahh!!!! I got a bite!!!" Colleen rapidly started reeling in at this time, but when she pulled out the line, it was empty. Again. She started muttering about spies, while Kerri kept glancing over her shoulder.  
  
"How do we know it's the real world? I mean, this could be the real world and ours could be the figment of someone's imagination….." Marcie inquired.  
  
"No, actually we proved the theory of multiple worlds last week using pool balls and some pizza" Kerri stated sounding very matter-of-fact.  
  
"Mmmm…pizza…." Colleen drooled looking up from gutting a worm on her hook.  
  
"I thought that was the theory of time."  
  
"No no, the theory of multiple worlds is much more complicated so we had to use the pizza…and some French fries if I recall…" Kerri said.  
  
"Ah…It all makes sense now." Marcie said, still looking as if she didn't understand a word, but trying to for their sake.  
  
"Does it really?" Colleen asked as she was looking for her bobber on the water. "Um… I can't see it… well? Does it??"  
  
"No."  
  
"I'm confused….." April started wailing at this point.  
  
"Colleen!! Check your line, I think you've got another bite!!!" Kerri yelled. Colleen enthusiastically starts to reel in her line again.  
  
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" All four girls look flabbergasted while turning to see what was happening.  
  
At the same time, all of the girls screamed, "Pippin?!"  
  
*-*-*  
  
The troll was now a few mere yards from Jeremiah. The silly boy could feel his rank breath from where he was standing next to the invisible RFD2. "Stupid voice…" he muttered vehemently, "Always getting me in trouble…mutter mutter mutter!"  
  
The troll let out a great roar, making Jer's hair stand on end. "OOOGA BOOGA!!!!"  
  
"Um…Eek?" Jeremiah answered unsurely (for, while one would expect this to be a harrowing experience it fell far short of the expected scariness)  
  
The troll rumbled, "I'm going to EAT you!"  
  
This had Jeremiah quaking in his boots. "Um…please don't?" (One cannot tell if he is truly scared, or merely mocking the troll. Either way, it seemed to have no effect.)  
  
"I'm going to squash you into jelly!" announced the troll. Apparently it had a very one track mind. It seemed that this troll really was prepared to eat him. His panicked brain came up with thousands of different escape plans each more wild than the last.  
  
"Cough_TheHobbit_Cough" the voice said rather loudly.  
  
"Oh yeah…Hey!" Jeremiah called to the troll, "Yes you there, Mr. Big and Hairy! Wouldn't you rather boil me instead?"  
  
"Hmmm…" muttered the troll. (Although it came out as more of a frightening grunt) This gave Jeremiah confidence to continue with his plan.  
  
"Or, you could roast me over a fire!" he added, "Or smash my head to pulp! Or you could skewer me and eat me raw!"  
  
"No," said the troll contemplatively, "I think I'd rather squash you into jelly."  
  
"But…but you're supposed to argue with me!" Jer floundered, "You're not supposed to know what to do to me!"  
  
"I'm going to squash you into jelly. I know perfectly well what I'm going to do. Now come here!" said the troll exasperatedly. It was at this point that Jeremiah made a mental note not to exasperate a troll if he could help it.  
  
The voice of course, picked this extremely opportune moment to interrupt, "I'd advise that you do not in fact go over there."  
  
"No duh!" Jeremiah answered angrily.  
  
"Fine, if that's the way I'm going to be treated…"  
  
"Wait! No don't leave!" Jer cried plaintively, "I'm sorry!"  
  
"Who you talk to?" demanded the troll.  
  
"The stupid voice in my head! Who else?"  
  
"You crazy?" The troll now looked slightly apprehensive, and if believable, started to edge away from Jer and the RFD2. Not realizing his advantage, Jeremiah felt the need to explain.  
  
"Noooo! There's this stupid voice that thinks it knows everything…."  
  
"Crazy people taste bad." Growled the troll, eyeing Jer with trepidation.  
  
"I'm not crazy! Colleen is the crazy one!"  
  
"I'm sure she'd resent that. And I must say that, my you are dense. If the troll thinks that crazy people taste bad he won't want to eat one, correct?" the voice piped up in an annoyingly cheerful voice.  
  
"I guess…" Jer conceded not really understanding what this prickly voice was trying to say. Why, the stupid thing had more mood swings than…  
  
"And you do not wish to be eaten do you?" the cloying voice interrupted his thought  
  
"No…I mean yes…no wait…what?" Now he was confused.  
  
"Never mind you nerf herder! I'm merely trying to ascertain why you are trying to convince the troll that you are not crazy and thereby tasty." The voice said exasperatedly. Really, sometimes little people could be so dense.  
  
"Oh yeah…Wait! Who's scruffy looking?!"  
  
"Scruffy?" asked the troll, backing away a few more steps.  
  
At this point Jer decided to employ his flair for the dramatic and began carrying on like a madman. " To be or not to be….Are you a cat? Did you know that, I am Buzz Lightyear Space Ranger? Or perhaps I am the Green Power Ranger! Do you know? Cause I don't remember…"  
  
"Ranger?" the troll asked fearfully, "A crazy ranger? Perhaps I'll be leaving now…" it backed away to the edge of the trees, "I think I saw a nice hobbit back that way to eat…." It muttered before fleeing into the woods.  
  
"I'm good much" Jer announced, thoroughly pleased with his idea to escape the troll.  
  
"Your idea?!" demanded Voice, "If I had a head, I'd smack it against a tree" 


	5. Of Urple Fish and Azzip

A/N: Hey everyone! If anyone's reading this that is....I didn't mean to take a summer hiatus....it just sorta turned out that way. I guess the only time I can write is when I should be doing homework instead :-p. Ah well, so here's chapter 5 which isn't nearly as long as it seemed while writing it. I've begun to outline chapter 6 and I'm sure to have a lot of homework after being home sick today, so you may just be in luck ^_^. As always thanks to everyone who reviewed, you guys rock!

LunaDea: Well, I've updated, although you've probably grown old and withered waiting...^_^ 

Burning Ice: I know the feeling! MCAS sucks....they should be sending us our scores any time now and i'm doomed when it comes to math...Hope you've done better! :-D And as our most faithful reviewer, I'll be sure to snag you a horse! Rohan has plenty afterall...and if they don't try and slay me, I'll try and coax one of the wraiths into giving an autograph..."Here wraithy, wraithy, wraithy...." ^_^

Jenna: Thanks so much! You now know what happens! (although it isn't much...) and I'll be sure to write as fast as school and illness will allow so that you may know what else happens!

Hathor: Another Colleen??? Surely you jest! Other than the Colleen on survivor and some trashy romance novelist, I've never heard of anyone else! And I swears that I'm truely a Colleen. My dad named me after some grungy old fishing boat the "Colleen Patricia" Coincidently, Patricia is me mums name and thats how I always thought I was named...Then a few years ago we spotted the boat and the ugly truth came out...Alas and woe is me! ^_^ Your next story has a Colleen? Oh goody! I do so love to read about characters named that! As I'm sure you'll agree its a rather wonderful name!:^P

  
_**Chapter 5: Of Urple Fish and Azzip **_

It is a beautiful day on the shore of a stream a little ways away from the House of Elrond in the valley of Rivendell. In case you've forgotten over the past few months of my dead-beatedness, our heroines decided to go fishing, and Colleen reeled in an interesting catch. 

Pippin looked both confused and bewildered...not to mention moist, "Wha? Last thing I knew, I was trying to show Merry the Urple colored fish, when I leaned a little too close..." 

"Curse the Urple ones!" Marcie exclaimed ferverently 

"Ack! It's Pippin!"

Pippin turned to face Colleen. "You know my name?" 

"Um...." Kerri muttered. 

"Uh...Um..." Colleen floundered, glancing frantically at her group mates who were likewise bereft of a good excuse. Thusly, she said the first thing that came to mind. "Pippin? No no no...didn't say Pippin...I said...um...whipping! Like...you know...um...cream?"

"Whip it...whip it good! Da na na na..." Everyone whipped their heads around. A very red April muttered "Whip it?"

"Wha?" exclaimed Pippin, completely and utterly lost.

"Never mind." assured Kerri, "I'm Mara, and this is Christine," she began, turning to Marcie and then April "Halloran, and Gwen."

Pippin looked uncertainly at all the girls. Halloran sounded like an elvish name...and yet the girls were clearly human. What were human girls doing in Rivendell? And three of them had short hair, two of them had boy's haircuts! (Sorry guys, I love your hair!). Not to mention that they were wearing PANTS. Girls just didn't wear pants. But Pippin being Pippin soon regained his fun loving, adventurous ways and decided to introduce himself.

"Pippin"

"Nice to meet ya Pippin old pal!" Marcie exclaimed

"Ya?" Pippin asked...perhaps this was some kind of new speech.

"Cursed Massachusetts accent!" Marcie muttered.

"Wha?"

"Ack! I wonder if that's his catch phrase..."

"Never mind them...Pippin. So what're you doing round these here parts?" Kerri broke in.

"Geesh Ker, it's not a bloody western you know!" 

"Shush you!"

Pippin, again looked confused, but valiantly attempted to answer the last coherent thing that was said. "Well, you see...I'm going on this sort of quest...mission...thing."

Colleen squealed. "Did you hear that? He said his line!"

"Forget it!" April exclaimed excitedly, "Let's cut to the more important stuff! So Pippin...you know Frodo right?"

"Tsk April!" Colleen chided, "Letting your hormones get ahead of you like that!"

Everyone's eyes got wide as they realized the implications of what April had said. They had in their possession a true member of the Fellowship. Someone who ate, slept, and drank with their "beloveds". (Obsessions is more like it, but let's face it, the girls are delusional) It was Marcie who finally broke the stunned silence by gasping, squealing, and launching herself closer to Pip.

"You know Aragorn!" she cried, and was stopped from kidnapping the hobbit only by the fact that Kerri had grabbed her arm in the excitement.

"And Legolas!"

Our poor little hobbit was thusly bombarded with questions, each girl raising her voice to be heard above the rest. Pippin looked back and forth between the three, incredibly confuzzled and bewildered. He scarcely heard one question before it was replaced with the next. In fact, individual words became harder and harder to make out as the din rose octave over octave. Marcie, April, and Kerri were nearly to the point of a fist fight when Colleen's long suffering temper snapped. 

"QUIET!!!!!!!" she roared, in what she liked to think of as her "pissed Galadriel" voice. Everyone stopped in midsentence, turned and looked at her. "You guys are all man crazy, obsessive...." her tirade quickly faded into unrecognizable mumblings and grumblings. She took a long time to get mad, and never could manage to stay mad for very long...but may the Gods help you if you got in her way when she burst.

Seeing that the danger was past, Kerri admonished, "What? The only reason you're not freaking out, is because Pippin hasn't met Faramir yet!"

At the word Faramir, Colleen's _expression abruptly changed. She sighed a deep sigh, and began staring off into space. "Faramir...." she muttered dreamily. Suddenly, her demeanor shifted rapidly. "Wait!!!" she cried, "Pippin saves Faramir's life!!! I nearly forgot! OMG! I love you Pippin!" she lurched forward and seized Pippin in a giant bear hug. 

Pippin was now not only confused, but fearing for his life. There was no doubt in his mind that these girls had completely lost possession of their wits. He began to edge away ever so slowly, hoping they wouldn't notice. "Faramir?" he asked in a manner that he hoped was polite inquiry.

"You know of the blessed Faramir?!" C'leena shrieked, eyes alight with excitement.

"Wha? Um...no?"

Colleen sighed, and sat resignedly back. "Too much to hope for I guess....All right, you may all go back to your bothersome questions now..."

April seized the opportunity, "So, Pip...Cousin of Frodo, huh? Twice removed on your mother's side?"

"Hey! How come you get to ask first?" Marcie demanded.

"Because I though of it!"

"This is true," Kerri acknowledged.

"Fine...You go first...then me!" Marcie exclaimed.

"Hey!"

Just then, a voice that belonged to neither the girls nor Pippin was heard in the distance. It had a rough quality, a man's voice. "Peregrin Took!" it called. The man sounded exasperated, and perhaps a little amused.

"There is a fell voice upon the air!" Kerri cried.

"It's Aragorn!" Marcie announced. "I'd recognize his beautiful voice any where!!" Marcie abruptly dissolved into a dream-like state, conscious, but not aware, lost in her own thoughts (which we can assume were...less than pure ;_). Indeed, she looked as though she were about to melt into a puddle.

"Crap! Guys we're screwed." April whispered. 

"Huh?" spoke Marcie, who was now sitting on her knees, peering through the underbrush, trying to catch any glimpse of the manly ranger. 

Kerri was about to speak when she suddenly raised her hand in a signal for everyone to be quiet. She then made another hand sign and everyone ('cept for poor confused Pip of course) immediately flattened themselves to the ground, like soldiers in the field. April reached up and yanked Pippin to the ground, giving him the glare of death as a signal to hold his tongue. On second thought, Pippin being Pippin, she plastered a hand across his mouth so he couldn't talk.  
Aragorn had wandered far too close to their little glen. Everyone tensed, and stopped breathing. Marcie had melted into a puddle and was hard pressed to keep from drowning herself in drool. Aragorn stood no more than three feet away, tall and proud, eyes searching the wilderness relentlessly. He was dressed resplendently in breeches and shirt made of fine materials, but still functional. (No ugly dress things in my story!) Ever so slowly, as if in a trance, Marcie began to slink forward. The other girls stared, horrified, but unable to stop her, lest their movements draw his attention. Already it was a miracle that they remained unseen. (A miracle? Or convenient plot device? You decide ;-p)

Marcie had nearly reached the devilishly handsome, scruffy ranger when a sudden sound from the opposite direction drew his attention. He turned, and Marcie literally fainted after being presented with the lovely view of his behind. Apparently deciding that whatever he heard in the other direction was worth investigation, Aragorn strode purposefully away.

Colleen, April and Kerri drew enormous breaths of relief and began their attempts to awaken Marcie. Pippin sat up confuzzedly. He looked torn between the desire to call out to the ranger for rescue, and the fear of the reaction of his captors should he do so. Luckily for the girls, fear won out. 

"Ye gods that was close!" exclaimed Kerri.

Marcie sighed dreamily. 

"We're still screwed though..." April muttered.

"Huh?' questioned Marcie dazedly.

"You're right April." Kerri acknowledged, "Pippin's seen us....Gods! We are in sooo much trouble..."

"Pippin wouldn't tell on us...would you Pip?" Marcie asked menacingly, "Besides, he doesn't know about RE or anything..."

"You don't think he'd mention four scary human girls fishing for urple fish?" Kerri questioned.

"Crap." spoke April.

"Guys!" Colleen leapt in, "No worries! Haiku Montana or whatever that Lion King thing is" here she glared at Marcie and Kerri and April who had all burst into song, "I have just the solution to our little problem!" she continued valiantly and pulled a long silver tuby thing, akin to a pen from her pocketsss.

"No way!" Kerri cried.

"Where? When? How?" wondered Marcie

"That isn't..." trailed off April.

"This my friends is indeed a neuralizer from the beautiful world of MIB. Pippin can say goodbye to his memory of us! I stopped off and grabbed it from Will Smith just before you guys came over to get this whole thing started!" Colleen announced triumphantly.

"Oh the power you wield!" cried Kerri

"The things we could do" muttered Marcie

"Wow..."breathed April.

"No! I'm not gonna let you use this so that you can profess your undying love to your respected obsessions and then erase their memory; or whatever it is you're all scheming! Not until we get to Minas Tirith anyways." Colleen smirked.

All around, this statement was met with viscous grins. One should pity the poor fellowship. Pity them indeed.

*-*-*

Jeremiah was sitting, leaning against the invisible RFD2 snapping twigs in half. The troll had barley departed and already he was bored. Maybe the voice would have something fun to do!

"Hey! Voice!" he shouted. Receiving no immediate answer he continued anyway. "Voooiiicceeee! I'm bored! Now what happens?!?"

"Now, you wander aimlessly for two months."

This was hardly the answer Jeremiah was expecting. "What?!?!?!!! Two months?!!"

"Are you aware that multiple exclamation points are a sign of insanity?"

"Two months??"

"Just do what I tell you boy." 

"No! How am I gonna survive out here? What am I gonna eat? What if there are more trolls?" Jeremiah gasped, trying to talk the voice out of its stupid plan. There was no way he was going to wander around the woods for two months! No way!

"You've got that sword and bow and daggers. I'm sure you can catch food. And you won't be bothered by anymore trolls, I promise." the voice said soothingly.  
"Bu..But..." Jeremiah sputtered.

"Trust me!" the voice said winsomely "Everything I've said so far has been right, hasn't it?"

"Well, actually..."

"That's what I thought!" Voice interrupted, "We're already behind the girls by a few days, and we need to get rid of you for two months, so just wander aimlessly would ya?!"

"Fine, fine!" Jeremiah grumbled, "But only cause you're a seemingly omniscient voice with a MA accent." he paused for a moment, "Hey! A MA accent! Interesting much...." 

Lost in thought, he went back to snapping twigs.

*-*-*

We rejoin our heroines (not drugs! just say no!) a few weeks after the fishing incident. They're all in the broom closet serving as their room, and Marcie, Kerri and April are huddled around Colleen, who is lying in a heap on the floor. 

"Pizza....." Colleen gasped. "Need...pizza....Pizza....withdrawal...."

"Oh lord," muttered Marcie.

"What do we do?!" cried April, "There are no pizzas in Middle Earth!"

The room was silent for a moment while the girls puzzled the problem. The only noise came from Colleen who was murmuring, "Cheeeeeesssssee.....yummy cheeeeeesseeee....Behold the Power of CHEEESE!!! And tomater sauce....all red and...saucy...."

"That's it!" exclaimed Kerri, "They may not have pizza, but they have flour and yeast and cheese and tomatoes and stuff! We could make one!"

Marcie leapt to her feet. "Quickly Robin! To the kitchens!!!"

*-*-*

A bit later that day the girls were taking apart Elrond's kitchen, looking for the flour. Pots and pans lay strewn about the floor, and someone had spilled and entire jar of salt. The girls were quite oblivious to the mess, tossing things from the shelves in their frenzied search. Finally...

"I found it!" exclaimed April.

"Cool!" cried Marcie. Everyone turned to see April holding an enormous bag of flour. The weight seemed almost too much and she soon dropped it on the floor. A puff of flour emitted from it, dusting April lightly in white. She grinned and wiped it from her face. The same thought occurred to all four girls at once.  
"Must resist..." muttered Kerri

"Yes...but...so tempting" struggled Colleen.

April looked from the flour to her friends and back again. Suddenly she seemed to snap. She lunged, grabbing a handful of flour, looked around viscously, and announced, "I give up!"

"Nooo!" wailed Kerri, "You mustn't!"

Marcie too grabbed a handful of the white powdery substance, and gave Kerri a bloodthirsty look. "Come on Ker! Give in to the dark side!"

Colleen's hand was twitching, and she had to restrain it when it reached purposely for the flour. She had a torn look in her eyes and whipped her head back and forth from the flour to Kerri. "Must...not....fling....flour!"

April and Marcie exchanged a glance. Colleen and Kerri watched them warily. Suddenly, and without warning, they raised their hands in unison, and Kerri & Colleen received a mouthful of flour.

"Ack!"

"This means war!!!" with that Kerri let out her Xena battle cry, and Elrond's kitchen became a cloud of white.

*-*-*

Even later, the girls had finished their fight, and were in the process of making a Pizza. Colleen was drooling from a distance, while Kerri, Marcie, and April applied the toppings. Since she kept trying to eat the pizza before it was cooked (or even assembled) the other girls had banished Colleen to the other side of the kitchen. Everyone was completely enjoying themselves, talking and laughing when a shadow fell across the door way. Everyone froze, and turned slowly towards the doorway. 

Facing them was a very angry elf. He had the dark hair and features common of the Rivendell elves (better way to say this Kerri?). He wore practical clothing and a pristine white apron. (Yes, if I say so, elves have aprons). Being particularly tall, and wide, especially for an elf, he towered above the girls. His eyes shone in anger. (Ah, the joys of personification)

"What in the name of Varda is going on in here?!?!" bellowed the Chef of Elrond. (CoE)

Indeed the kitchens were a disaster scene. Every item once on the shelves now had a place on the floor. The entire kitchen was dusted in a fine coat of white. There was cheese on the walls, and tomato sauce on the ceiling. Unused food was collected in mini-mountains on the floor. The girls themselves were indeed a sight. There wasn't an inch of unstained clothing to be seen. They all looked as though they hadn't seen the sun in years, and more than one had some sort of food product decorating her hair.

"Uh oh..." Colleen said.

"I think we're in trouble..." muttered April.

"Caught in the act" sighed Kerri

"Red handed...literally" added Marcie, displaying tomato-y hands.

The Chef of Elrond was not pleased. "Who are you?! What are you doing here?!" he thundered.

"I think decisive action is needed here." murmured Kerri.

"Yes...yes..."agreed Marcie.

April turned to Colleen. "I think you'd best whip out the flashy thing.

Colleen sighed resignedly. "Yes, I suppose you're right. Get your sunglasses guys." she pulled the silvery tuby thing and a pair of sunglasses from her back pocket, waited till the other girls put theirs on, and grinned. "We're from the MIB! You must now be flashed!!" Marcie reached for her shirt and Cleena was quick to cut her off. "Not that way! Behold! The power of cheese!!!" she pushed the button.

"Cheese?" questioned Kerri.

"Ack....never mind"

*-*-*

Jeremiah was extraordinarily bored. Bored to the point of tears. Experiencing utter boredom. He wasn't even aware it was possible to be this bored. Always before when he had been bored, he had turned on the television, or spaced out at the computer, or bothered his sister. But there were no TV's or computers here, and his sister was....well he had no flipping clue where his sister was. All he knew was that it was her fault. He was briefly angry, but soon was smothered by boredom.

"I'm boooorrrreeeeddd!" he whined.

"Gee....that's so sad." announced Voice sarcastically. "I feel your pain really.....If you're so bored why don't you go kill a bunny or something?"

Jeremiah was outraged. Not only was the voice omniscient, sarcastic and annoying, it was bloodthirsty too! "That's terrible! I bet you'd kill Bambi too, wouldn't you?!"

"In a heartbeat! Hey that sounds like fun! I could really go for some venison!"

"Sadistic voice!"

"And proud of it!"

Jer heaved an enormous, long suffering sigh. With a little difficulty, he stood and stared at the sky. Freakishly, it was about 5 in the evening, when he could have sworn it was morning a few minutes ago. 

"Spacial/Time distortion..." he mumbled clutching at his head." I really wish that it would stay the same time consistently! I mean, this switching back and forth is giving me a major head ache! And another thing," he vented, "Why me??? Why am I stuck in the middle of the woods, in a world that doesn't exist, with only some voice in my head to talk to??"

"You know, if you keep talking to no-one like that...people are gonna to think you're crazy..." Voice warned.   
Jeremiah reached over and began banging his head on the invisible RFD2.

"Thunk" intoned Voice

"Trunk" countered Jer

"Truck"

"Muck"

"Luck"

"Leprechaun"

"Me lucky charms!"

"Charming"

"Dashing"

They continued on in this vein for quite some time.

*-*-* 

Meanwhile, in the kitchens of Elrond, the girls had cleaned up, and flashed the Chef of Elrond to near brain damage. Finally agreeing on a story, they informed him that he had been conducting a sordid affair with Arwen all afternoon, and that he didn't want to go to the kitchens until much later that day. Unfortunately, they had neglected to remove the last pizza from the oven. Luckily, CoE arrived just as it was about finished. Even with the neuralizer, our heroes would have been hard-pressed to explain the burning down of Rivendell.

The Chef of Elrond was slightly disoriented. It seemed to him that he had already been in the kitchen. But that couldn't be true, he realized with a silly grin when he remembered how he had spent his afternoon. (BTW, CoE is not one of those super-hot elves...think Celeborn but w/ the darker Rivendell features). Ah, Arwen, love of his life. He could not wait to sneak into her room late in the evening, that they might continue their....earlier actions. 

His musings were interrupted when his keen nose picked out the sent of cooking food. In fact, he swore it was coming from his oven! (Yes, elves have ovens! Big ol' things in the walls, kinda like pizza ovens. I mean, obviously they don't have Kenmores lying around or anything) Striding (heehee Marcie) over to it, he sniffed deeply. Indeed, there was something cooking in there! Cautiously, he slowly opened the door. Inside, he found to his complete amazement some type of food he had never seen before. Carefully, he extracted it, and placed it on the counter. It was round, and apparently made from some sort of flat bread. On top of the bread was tomato sauce, and cheese. Green peppers seemed to spell out the word, Azzip. (Marcie's doing of course)  
Tentatively, CoE tore off a piece, and popped it in his mouth. 

"This is....good! Doesn't seem to be too difficult to make....hmmm..." he muttered as he ate more of the yummy pizza.

*-*-*

That evening the girls were all experiencing some rumbly grumbly tummys. They were lounging around their room, and Marcie was braiding Colleen's long dark locks. April had just finished dyeing Kerri's hair blue, receiving a couple blue streaks in her tawny hair. Kerri herself was reading the book Colleen had appropriated from Elrond, her hazel/gold eyes scanning the pages intently. 

Colleen's stomach let out a menacing growl and she lifted her head, hand and pen poised over her ledger. "FOOD!" she cried.

"Yes good!" seconded Marcie.

"Quickly Robin! To the kitchens!" cried Kerri

"I still don't see why have to steal food from the kitchens..." April muttered

"Yeah!" seconded Marcie "We could just flash everyone at Elrond's table and eat with them! Then we'd flash them again, and tell them all a plausible story, then search out any servants that would have seen us and flash them...then find anyone they might have told about it......alright, I see your point."  
"Quite right then, shall we go?" Colleen queried. She was met with a chorus of belly grumbles. "I'll take that as a yes."

*-*-*

Upon entering the kitchens through the secret door, the girls were stopped in their tracks, struck dumb. Their mouths gaped, and four pairs of eyes bugged out of four skulls. The silence was one of stunned disbelief. 

Kerri was the first to speak, "Oh my Varda...."she breathed quietly.

"Could it be?" uttered Marcie incredulously. 

"I don't believe it!" cried April.

Before them stood counter upon counter, shelf upon shelf of pizzas. They were all set out on serving trays, and the servants soon appeared and began to carry them out of the room. From the dining hall could be heard the voice of the Chef of Elrond. 

"My lords, my ladies. May I present to you my newest creation: Azzip!!!!"

Colleen nearly chocked on laughter. "Elrond's having pizza for dinner!"

"Incredible!!!" cried all four girls in unison.

  



	6. Of Stuff and Things

Thanks SOOOO much to everyone who reviewed, I know it's been, like, a year, so feel free to remove my head and roast it on a spit if you want. I firmly understand. I have no excuse. Do what you will. I know what I'd do to me if I were you....*cringes in horror*   
  
Oh, and all the bad, baaad jokes are courtesy of Kerri! Please direct all your rotten fruit in her direction! 

*Kerri* I personally happen to think that they are cool....^_^  
  
Chapter 6: Of Stuff and Things!   
  
'Twas a dull day in Imladris. Oh, the sun was shining and the birds were singing to be sure. It was exquisite, beautiful and ever unchanging. It was that last bit that had our heroines in a quandary. Perpetual beauty was all very well and good, but unless you're an elf, it can get pretty dull. And this is not to mention that the girls were accustomed to modern-day America, where everyone was always rushing around and there was always something going on. Even Colleen and Kerri who could be completely happy reading books for the rest of their lives were itching for something to do.   
  
The girls were sitting around their closet room, apathetically dyeing Lord Elrond's nightclothes urple. April spoke up, voicing the feelings of them all.   
  
" This is boring. I'm bored." she tossed the fabric from her vehemently and stood up. Kerri sighed and put hers aside as well.   
Marcie and Colleen had long ago given up the exercise as boring and pointless and not as much fun as staring at the wall blankly.   
  
" Soooooo," Kerri began, "Whatcha wanna do?"   
  
" Something evil..." Colleen voiced listlessly.   
  
" Mmmm...." murmured Kerri.   
  
" Such as?" pursued April.   
  
" Ummm..." Colleen's brows furrowed in thought. She absently brushed her long dark hair from her face as she struggled to come up with something to entertain them. "We could switch the salt and the sugar," she suggested lamely.   
  
" Been there, done that," Kerri informed her.   
  
" Ack, I know. But...well...we could put tacks or glue on everyone's chairs again..."   
  
" Done that already....so many times" Marcie sighed, scrubbing urple dye from her hands.   
  
" Geez, shoot me down why don't you?" Colleen raised her hand in a dismissive gesture as her friends opened their mouths to protest. "Hey! I know! We can put chalk in all their erasers!"   
  
" Someone's stuck in the third grade," April grinned, "Do they even have erasers or chalk in Middle Earth?"   
  
" They do if I say they do! Everything I say happens! I'm special like that"   
  
" *Coughauthorcough*" Marcie exclaimed   
  
Colleen glanced at her suspiciously, as though she hadn't quite heard what Marcie had said. Marcie smiled and stared at her. After about three minutes of the silent staring contest, Kerri broke in.   
  
" We could play a game..."   
  
" Like what?" April wanted to know.   
  
" Umm...." Marcie thought for a moment, "I dunno, tag, capture the flag, poker, Egyptian rat screw, hid the object, ring around the rosy-" she paused, "Oky, maybe not ring around the rosy, but there's go fish and spit and bull shit and..." she paused when she noticed the evil glint that had appeared in Colleen's eyes. "What?"   
  
Colleen however, merely grinned wider.   
  
" What? What? That look means you have a plan!" April exclaimed.   
  
Marcie rounded on Kerri, who was staring at the smiling girl, "Kerrriii! You share her brain! What's she thinking?"   
  
Colleen turned to Kerri, chuckled snidely and made a few hand gestures. It was all foreign to the other two girls, but Kerri suddenly began to smirk and rub her hands together in anticipation.   
  
" How do they do that?" April muttered.   
  
" Wavelength!" the girls replied in unison.   
  
" You'll see," Colleen spoke up, heaving herself to her feet, "Follow me!"   
  
***   
  
That same evening, the same girls were huddled outside a closed door, doing their best to be inconspicuous. Kerri's hand was reaching for the doorknob when April suddenly shifted position, and gripped Kerri's wrist.   
  
" I don't know about this guys, I mean, I've been following Frodo since the Shire," she could not help but get slightly dreamy eyed, "and this ring is really powerful. I don't think we should be playing around with it."   
  
" Yeah..." Colleen muttered, suddenly unsure, "I mean, I dunno if my first aid kit covers attacks by all powerful bits of jewelry...."   
  
" Eh, who cares?" Kerri exclaimed, patting her replica Sting where it lay at her hip, "Only the good die young!"   
  
Colleen resisted the urge to break into song murmuring, "Yeah, well, you'll be living forever then..."   
  
Marcie grinned, and slid the door open, and the girls slipped inside. They formed along Frodo's bed, where the young hobbit slept soundly, showing no signs of waking. They could all see the ring where it gleamed, resting upon his chest. In the darkness, it seemed to pulse golden, exuding power. A shiver ran down Aprils' spine, and Colleen caught her breath in her throat. Marcie stared, and Kerri gripped her sword.   
  
" Shut up!" Kerri whispered harshly and the rest of the girls suddenly noticed the soft sibilant hissing that seemed to be penetrating their skulls. It stopped, but reluctantly.   
  
Colleen swallowed hard, "Ok, now how do we want to go about doing this?"   
  
" Very carefully," Marcie murmured.   
  
" Ok, before you do anything, I'd like to make it known that if this all goes horribly wrong I can say that I was against it from the start and thereby be absolved of any and all blame!" April muttered fiercely.   
  
" Ack! I agree...but since we're here anyway, shall we proceed gentlemen?"   
  
" Actually," Kerri interrupted, "Last time I checked we were neither gentle nor men..."   
  
" Shush you, I'll take none of your guff!"   
  
April motioned to them to be quiet with a quick chopping motion. "I can't believe Frodo hasn't woken up yet! He's usually a very light sleeper..."   
  
" And you know this, how?" Marcie questioned. April merely blushed in reply causing a few raised eyebrows and numerous giggles.   
  
" Don't worry," Colleen cautioned, "I may not be omniscient, but I don't think he'll wake up,"   
  
Marcie coughed something that sounded suspiciously like "author" but Colleen apparently didn't notice. Reaching forward, Marcie deftly slipped the chain with the ring on it from Frodo's neck. "This is going to be fun..."   
  
***   
  
Gandalf was relaxing, contentedly smoking his pipe weed in the room he had grown accustomed to using during his stays in Imaldris. It was decorated in the fashion of the elves, but as the dawn sun peeked through the curtains, the interior could be seen to contain many items that smacked of wizard. As he stretched in his chair, enjoying the morning, a feeling of intense foreboding came suddenly to Gandalf. Suddenly alert, he looked about and saw not threat. He had just attributed his feeling to unease over the upcoming journey when Frodo burst through his door looking intensely distraught. The hobbit was disheveled, as though he had just come from bed, and his wild curls stood up in every direction. Setting his pipe down, Gandalf strode towards Frodo.   
" Frodo, my boy, what is wrong?"   
  
Frodo opened his mouth to speak but closed it again, gaping like a fish at the sight of Gandalf. "Erm, Gandalf..." his mouth dried up in awe and he spoke no more.   
  
Gandalf gave Frodo a piercing look, as if he were mad, but soon caught a glimpse of himself in his mirror. He was wearing a flowing white dressing gown, complete with night cap. His beard was tied at the bottom with a little bow, and knobby knees jutted from under the gowns hem, seeming huge on the otherwise skinny legs. He looked for the entire world, or so the girls, hiding in the rafters thought, like Ebenezer Scrooge from A Christmas Carol. Realizing that Frodo was staring, he hurriedly snatched the long pointed cap from his head, and hid it behind his back with one hand.   
  
" Now, what do you want, Frodo?"   
  
Frodo recovered himself admirably, before wailing "Gaaaaandaaaaaaalf!"   
  
" What is it?"   
  
" The ring is gone!"   
  
Gandalf's eyebrows launched themselves clear into orbit as he became suddenly animated. He instantly stood straighter, and his staff was suddenly in his hand. He no longer looked the part of Scrooge, and his gown no longer seemed so ridiculous. It billowed around him like an angry cloud, and a feeling of power seemed to hover in the very air. From their high vantage point, the girls were suddenly quite frightened. Perhaps the idea hadn't been such a good one...for all his jokes and fireworks, Gandalf was no one to be trifled with.   
  
Picking up his pipe, he took a long drag, and the power in the room no long crackled quite so violently. "Now, Frodo," he began in a voice that was deadly quiet, "Why don't you tell me exactly what happened."   
  
" Err, um..." Frodo too, was understandably unnerved, "Well, last night, after the meal, Gimli talked me into having a few rounds of those...spirits, and it was great fun, and, well, I don't really remember much after that...but when I woke up, the ring was gone!"   
  
" Gimli had you drinking dwarven spirits?!" Gandalf passed a weary looking hand over his eyes. "Oh dear. Oh dear indeed." his tone became very serious again, "Did you have it when you went to bed?"   
  
" Um...I...think so..."   
  
" You think?"   
  
" Erm...well..."   
  
" Oh dear,"  
  
***   
  
All of Rivendell was in a bustle. Well, as close to elves ever got to bustling. The entire place was being methodically inspected for any sign of the ring. Discreetly of course. It wouldn't due for everyone to know that the ring was once again lost. Well, the word they were using was 'misplaced' but we all know that you only use the word 'misplaced' when you've lost something, but can't bear to admit that you've lost it. Yeah. Gandalf was supervising, with a stern _expression. Frodo meanwhile, was cowering in a corner, trying desperately to remember the events of the previous night.   
  
" Awww!" April moaned from the rafters where the girls were perched, "You guys! Look! We've made Frodo all sad!"  
Colleen shook her head, marveling at the effect of hormones. She shuddered. Kerri, who knew what she was thinking, jabbed her in the ribs with an elbow. "Just wait till we meet Faramir!" she hissed, "Then you'll be just as mushy and foolish as the rest of us!" Colleen sniffed in disdain, but could not keep the starry look from her eyes. Kerri nodded smugly.   
  
Just then, Gandalf looked up sharply. The rafters were high above the room, and relatively dark, but the girls knew at once they'd been spotted. Colleen scrambled in her bag for the neuralizer (flashy thing). She began muttering Dwavish curses, and fumbled frantically. Kerri, Marcie, and April were doing their best to stop existing, but it wasn't working. Kerri, being rather less than graceful, happened to choose that exact moment to lose her balance and tumble to the floor.   
  
She lay there for a moment, stunned and breathing shallowly. The other three girls watched in horror as time seemed to slow to a crawl. Frodo leapt up startled, the various elves had weapons in hand and pointed at Kerri's heart, throat and other vital area's before an eye could blink, and Gandalf had his staff extended, pointed at Kerri's head.   
  
" Who are you?" Gandalf spat viciously, eyes intent upon Kerri's face.   
  
Kerri herself blinked several times in fear and confusion. In a stutter that didn't need to be feigned she finally whispered, "P...please, S...sir, don't turn me into anythin'....unnatural..."   
  
Gandalf blinked in momentary confusion, and it was enough time for Colleen to activate the neuralizer. A silver flash blinded the room and suddenly Colleen, Marcie, and April were on the ground in their sunglasses.   
  
" You were all searching for the ring-" Marcie began, when she noticed that Gandalf had raised his staff and was appraising them as he would an enemy. In other words, he was not staring blankly into her face like the rest of the room's occupants, including Kerri. Colleen and April quickly noticed this as well, and began to whisper loudly.   
  
" It didn't work! It didn't work! I knew this was a bad idea!" Colleen was panicking.   
  
" It was your idea!" April accused.   
  
" Well, maybe it's cause he's not human!" Marcie called.   
  
" But neither are the aliens the MIB uses it on..." April countered.   
  
" Ack! I don't think it-"   
  
" SILENCE!" Gandalf cried. He drew himself up and the room suddenly seemed smaller and darker. April could almost swear she saw storm clouds forming on the ceiling.   
  
" Ahhh!" Colleen cried pressing the button on the neuralizer over and over.   
  
Several flashes filled the room and when the blasts cleared, the girls were left blinking spots from their eyes. But Gandalf was staring at them as blankly as the rest.   
  
" Thank God!" Colleen murmured fervently, "Ok! Listen up! Frodo never lost the ring! You're not looking for it! You're just standing around chatting! Kerri was never here! April, Marcie and I were never here!" with this she pulled the ring from underneath her shirt and strode to Frodo. She paused their, with it dangling from her hand for a long moment. So long that Marcie finally cried "C'leena!"   
  
" Ack! I know" Placing the ring around Frodo's neck, she whirled and strode from the room quickly. Marcie and April grabbed Kerri and followed soon after.   
  
" Where are we going?" April gasped when the finally caught up.   
  
" To flashy thing everyone in Rivendell! This was a very bad idea! I'm sooo not having it go on my charge sheet!"   
  
Marcie, April and Kerri allowed themselves to fall slightly behind. "What's with her?" Marcie wondered aloud.   
  
" Well, the PPC has been pretty ruthless lately; I think that's what she means by 'charge list'. And there's this new great fic, Suedom where real people are getting stuck in Mary Sues and killed, and we're Mary Sues cause we can speak Elvish, and use weapons and we're totally screwing with canon and stuff...and she's probably feeling guilty about being a Mary Sue cause she hates them, and she doesn't really think this is very funny any more, and she thinks we're all flat characters w/ the same personality except for the different obsessions and it doesn't matter to us because we all know us, but for all those people who don't know us it's a problem, and her instincts to write serious fics are totally conflicting with this kinda stupid humor thing..............but that's just a hunch. She could totally have eaten some bad pizza or something." Kerri shrugged and kept walking, leaving a stunned Marcie and April in her wake.   
  
*-*-*   
  
" Fish"   
  
" Phish"   
  
" Posh"   
  
" Puss"   
  
" Pass"   
  
" Sass.....ok, we can stop now, time's up," the voice announced.   
  
" What do you mean, times up?"   
  
" Well, it's been nearly two months, and C'leena and the rest of them should be leavings soon, which means that we ought to-"   
  
" WHAT???"   
  
" I'm sorry, what part of that sentence did you fail to understand?"   
  
" Maybe the part about it being two months???" Jeremiah gasped.   
  
" What? You really wanted to walk around and catch rabbits and stuff? Dur...stupid hobbit!"   
  
Jeremiah abruptly slid off the rock he was seated upon, outside the invisible RFD2. He was torn between screaming and weeping. Confusion was not supposed to hurt this much. Emotions flashed in and out of his mind in a whirlwind. Anger at Colleen, anger at the voice, confusion, frustration, disbelief, denial, despair...   
  
" Try putting your head between your knees, it'll make you feel better!" Voice piped up helpfully.   
  
Jeremiah glanced around dubiously, but complied. After a few moments he could be heard to complain softly, "I think all the blood is in my brain now...I feel funny..."   
  
" You look funny,"   
  
" Shuddup! Stupid voice...what do you know anyway?"   
  
" More than you! I can see the Words!"   
  
" What?" Jeremiah was becoming confused again.   
  
" Nevermind, Hey! Wanna hear a clean joke?" Without waiting for an answer Voice continued, "Wanna hear a clean joke? Suzy took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is the boy next door! Bada bing!"   
  
Jeremiah looked up incredulously. "Are you serious?"   
  
" What, you can do better?"   
  
" A quadriplegic orangutan with cerebral palsy, and a speech impediment could do better,"   
  
" OoOoO! I'm hurt! Try it!"   
  
" Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the guy behind the counter a few nails and says, 'Hey, can you put me up for the night?'" Jeremiah spouted triumphantly.   
  
Voice could be heard to snort, "Ha! What style of art was preferred by the Third Reich? Post-Imprussianist!"   
  
" Oooh, nice. How can you get out of a locked room with a piano in it? Play the piano until you find the right key."   
  
" C'mon! I could go on for hours! What kind of floor do dinosaur's bathrooms have? Rep-tiles." Voice answered herself.   
  
" So could I! What do you get when you mix a mouse with some laundry detergent? Squeaky clean clothes!"   
  
" Yeah, well, why don't sharks eat clowns? Cuz they taste funny!"   
  
" What did one plate say to another? Lunch is on me!"   
  
" What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him? I didn't do it on porpoise!"   
  
" That was sooo a Gloucester joke! You're so from Gloucester!" Jeremiah accused the voice.   
  
" Just 'cause I know a joke about ocean going creatures, doesn't make me from Fishtown, shrimp! Besides, how do you know I'm not just you're subconscious or something?"   
  
" Because I wouldn't be so mean to me!"   
  
" Right. Hey, this is one of my favorites. What do you get when you take a bovine and divide its circumference by its diameter?"   
  
" Errr..."   
  
" Cow pi!" Voice announced jubilantly.   
  
" Oy....stupid voice...."   
  
" Watch who you're calling stupid, hobbit!"   
  
" Hobbit?? Wait......YOU'RE TARA!!!!!"   
  
Tara's laughter echoed throughout the Trollshaws.   
  
" Oh boy. Now I'm in trouble much!" 


End file.
